More on extremes this week. Sometimes we’re too optimistic and try to believe the best will happen even when everything is pointing to giving up and trying something new. Sometimes we give up too soon. In the book Sway, the authors talk about loss aversion – pursuing a course of action long after the chances of success have dwindled to nothing but a completely unrealistic hope that our invested time and money can be salvaged.
The Lab-Rats have all either just started something or are about to. With the above in mind, I asked them to read my post about Too Much Optimism from August 2006, as well as this example from the Sway website then answer the following questions:
Everyone followed more or less the same answering style from last time, except the Urban Lion’s answers came directly in my email (still blue though) and Crista chose to talk in general about her personality rather than answering the questions directly.
Each of the Lab-Rats have held onto something too long and suffered for it: either finally or emotionally. The Urbane Lion felt that way about his first marriage, despite being the sort of person who plans everything out with Plan B and Plan C at the ready in case Plan A doesn’t work. Since few people have backup plans for relationships, it’s not surprising that the Urbane Lion held on too long – from his perspective, there was no other choice, only Plan A. Crista explained the problem of optimism in rocky relationships (which we have all had): “…optimism can look like commitment and loyalty, when in fact, I am being a coward - fearful of the tough conversations, and afraid of rejection.” I so totally understand her on that one.
Brett got stubborn about a start-up company he worked for, staying long after they’d stopped paying him. He wanted to believe that they’d pull through, that the hours he had invested weren’t going to leave him uncompensated. Unfortunately, however, the longer he stayed the worse it got, until the reality of the situation (his wife was pregnant with triplets) forced him to realize that he was not going to gain anything from staying and so finally left. Sal’s wife also dragged him into reality when he stayed committed to an MLM program that did nothing except suck time and money from him. In Sal’s situation, it wasn’t just money he had on the line – he also felt strongly about the relationships he was in. When he did eventually get out, his supposed friends abandoned him, living down to his worse fears.
None of the Lab-Rats feels that they abandon things too soon. They are all strong-willed and willing to take things as far as they can go. Sal felt that perhaps he could have stayed on with his diving and gone on to the Olympics, but it would have meant a lot of physical therapy and the risk of further injury. Brett recognizes that he’s a terrier, keeping his jaws clamped tight on whatever he’s doing. He knows when the battle’s lost; momentum just keeps him going and he can’t figure out the right moment to let go. He has learned, however, from the career-related mistake and tries to stay more aware.
Because the Urbane Lion is such a planner, he’s not the run-away when things look hard type. He knows his goal, knows what he needs to get there, and remembers to assess his progress regularly.
Crista calls herself a Pollyanna, only ever seeing the good in things, identifying with Carrie Bradshaw from Sex in the City who asked: “Is hope a drug we need to go off of, or does it keep us alive?”
This week the Lab-Rats have taught me something – that flexibility is the key to balancing overly-optimistic with too-quickly-running-away. The Urbane Lion talked about his new relationship with the Urban Panther, saying that: “as we are both very sensible people, we make any necessary adjustments along the way before the problem gets too big,” confirming his tactic of regular progress checks.
Brett has a big goal of moving to New Zealand but is aware that this dream may take years to realize. In the meantime, he pursues smaller goals and is always willing to admit that the New Zealand dream might not happen and if it doesn’t, he’ll be happy pursuing the smaller goals.
Sal lives for his writing and does see an end to it. He will write no matter what. For him, the flexibility comes in to play in terms of frequency. If life changes in a way that denies him the opportunity to write regularly, he’ll just cut back and savour the moments when he can write.
Crista likes to change up the variables in her life: modifying adding or subtracting actions and relationships. She also remembers to check her ego – is she feeling a certain way because her ego is getting in the way of reality? I’m a lot like Crista on this one as well. When I’m holding onto something too long or I’m about to drop something that might mean more work, I’ve also learned to examine my ego and usually I alter my attitude and suddenly the right action appears and I just get it done.
I especially like how Crista ended her response, telling me about a new habit she’s going to establish: “beginning today, I will check my optimism. Is it a gift in my situation – or an excuse? If it’s an excuse, hope will be a drug I try to get off of.”
Someday Lessons:
21 Responses to “Are you a Pooh-Bear?”
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Brett’s answer really stood out for me since I think I stick with bad decisions for too long for the same reasons. If time and effort was invested, that would make me even more stubborn. Flexibility would indeed help there, as in still having the option of pursuing the goal but perhaps in a more effective route.
Al at 7P’s last blog post..10 Tips for Immediate Productivity Results
Alex,
This project is quite engaging. I was actually dreaming last night of what the next step in the process would be.
I like Brett’s example of the terrier. Fiesty little son’s of a gun.
Sal’s last blog post..How Do You Deal With Challenges?
I really like what Crista said about optimism being a possible excuse, rather than a gift. I’ve never thought of that before, but I can reflect on my own behavior and admit that I’ve been guilty of being too optimistic when the situation didn’t deserve it.
Writer Dad’s last blog post..On Being a Chooch
Hmmm, I’ll have to think more on this! This is really interesting, as are the lab rats’ responses. And of course, I’m copying the questions to answer them soon myself!
steph’s last blog post..Voluntary Lab Rat
PS. I had to email Brett about this: “…is always willing to admit that the New Zealand dream might not happen and if it doesn’t, he’ll be happy pursuing the smaller goals.” He said he was a terrier! He can’t admit that NZ might not happen! I won’t let him! I already think of him as being there. It will happen. My parents moved from Canada to Malta with my sisters. He can do it. Maybe not in the next five years, even, but he will. He just has to chomp down with those fierce terrier teeth and hold on - for dear (sweet, fun Kiwi) life!
steph’s last blog post..Voluntary Lab Rat
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First of all I LOVE this lab-rat series. It’s brilliant! Okay, specifically about this post re: “…optimism can look like commitment and loyalty, when in fact, I am being a coward - fearful of the tough conversations, and afraid of rejection.” Oh, Christa baby, I sooooo get this one! I deluded myself with this one for 16 years. Wow, you summed up 16 years of my life in one nice neat little package!
Urban Panther’s last blog post..A sacred space
Thank you Urban Panther. I feel quite fortunate to be a part of this, even though Alex’s questions force the deep digging. I’m also enjoying the ride with my fellow lab rats - we must all get together for Brett’s housewarming in New Zealand when the time comes!
The times I have held on too long it was due to fear - fear of failing or fear of the unknown. When I confronted the fear, letting go became easier. This was a great lesson and interesting to read about the various responses.
Karen Swim’s last blog post..Perception and Art
I think people basically fear change. They also fear the feelings of regret they will probably feel when they finally admit that the time, money, and energy they put into a venture has just turned into a sunk cost they can never recuperate. There’s a fine line between perseverance (loyalty, commitment) and stupidly holding on to something way after it has become apparent that the best course of action is to let go. I stayed in a job that was going nowhere for longer than I should have. But you know, I feel like that was a lifetime ago, and now I’m much better off than I would have been even if that job had taken me where I wanted it to.
Marelisa’s last blog post..30 Ways to Increase Your Creativity
Hi Alex - We gained some interesting insights into the Lab Rats here and hopefully hanging on to something that isn’t working, is a mistake they won’t repeat.
I’m with Steph on kicking Brett’s butt - he is going to New Zealand and he has to keep telling himself that. Brett - you can’t allow any doubt to enter your mind. Keep telling yourself you will be going - please. I don’t want you to give up on your dream.
@Al
Flexibility is the key word - knowing that things may change at any time and being able to adapt.
@Sal
Glad you’re enjoying it - I too wonder where we’ll go next
@WD
Yes, I thought that Crista’s phrasing was great - “Things just have to get better!” is a line I’ve used a lot in my life.
@Steph
Way to go on the first part of your answer (people - go check it out). You’re really doing some deep thinking - thank you for sharing it with all of us on your blog.
@Steph & Cath
I don’t think Brett has any intention of giving up the NZ dream, but it’s always good to be aware that the world won’t end if a particular dream doesn’t happen. For example, I’m convinced that I will have published fiction at some point, but if it never happens I won’t get suicidal.
@UP
Of course, with us being siblings, you know I’m going to say I understood what Crista was saying far too well!
@Crista
I love the idea of a housewarming in NZ!
@Karen
)
Yes, fear is a powerful demotivator. Used well, however it can inspire us to action (at least for me it works that way sometimes - like fear of not eating makes me go look for work
@Marelisa
Regret is another powerful emotion that paralyses us because if we don’t do something, we’ll regret not doing it, but if we do it and it doesn’t work out then we’ll regret having done it. Glad to hear you got out the job that wasn’t a good fit for you!
@Cath
I know in my case I’ve had to learn and relearn lessons several times before they stick (yes, I can be a bit slow at times). Hopefully the Lab-Rats won’t have to go through that!
Hello all! Apologies for not coming to chat in the comments sooner, and I will be back tonight to re-read and chat in-depth. I’ve been out in the field (for work), a sort of Viking raiding party…
Fear not! I’ve not given up the dream, I’ll explain tonight in more depth what I meant.
-Brett
PS - great comments and conversation here, all!
Two things really stand out for me. The first is Crista’s response at the end - “beginning today, I will check my optimism. Is it a gift in my situation – or an excuse? If it’s an excuse, hope will be a drug I try to get off of.” I like this concept of optimism - is it good or bad. We tend to think optimism is good, but this angle really sheds some light on how it really can have negative effects as well.
The other thing that really caught my attention was what Marelisa said in the comments about fear of change. Change can be a powerful inhibitor, and for some people (me included) this can sometimes be enough to stay with what we’re currently doing (even though it’s not the best solution anymore).
Lance’s last blog post..Dreams For Our World
@Brett
Ooh, viking raiding party - hopefully not as raping-and-pillaging as the original ones (or at least only metaphorical pillaging).
@Lance
Thanks for coming by! I strongly believe that we can have too little optimism or too much optimism. And yes, fear and change can hold us back, even when the present is horrible - at least we know its pain - we don’t know what pain change might bring about.
I think optimism can definitely become an exercise in learned helplessness, especially if you feel that your attitude must always compensate for results. On the other hand none of your friends will call you if they know that all you do is eat thistles and complain. The utility in optimism is that it allows you to see opportunities that you wouldn’t otherwise be able to consider if your mind was closed and committed to defeat. Of course it can be equally disastrous to commit yourself to an opportunity that just isn’t there…
barrett’s last blog post..Poem for a Rainy Day
@Barrett
How awesome of you to continue the Hundred Acre Woods theme with the thistles! Welcome to the blog. I agree with your assessment of optimism perfectly.
Oh, super interesting. Lots of good themes here.
It’s like Seth Godin’s The Dip with extra self-awareness for dessert. And bringing attention to how scary-crazy change can be. And Pooh references, which are always welcome.
So great to see you on here Barret! I too love your assessment of optimism - especially the part about attitude compensating for results…
Heh heh, no raping (that’s nasty) but lots of pillaging (of information, to help us with our projects at work)…
Thank you so much to everyone for your support here - I really mean that. Oh, not to worry anyone - not giving up on the dream.
I sort of alluded to it in the full answers, but perhaps I’ll elaborate a bit here. New Zealand has good health care like Canada, but as a smaller country, they worry about folks immigrating there just to take advantage of this.
So, if one of my family developed a chronic illness requiring expensive medical care prior to us moving there, we would be denied entry. It’s just one of the things they do and in fact I completely understand it. I have seen our health care in Canada decline over the years and I’m afraid it is because we don’t do this here.
Note - I’m not saying what’s right or wrong in this situation, just that I understand it.
Or if (say) one of our parents became ill - that might delay things.
However! I met a fellow on my business trip who lives in Nelson NZ and talking with him really gave me a kick in the arse to keep moving on it!
I am certainly not giving up that dream. I expect to see all of you at the housewarming party…
-Brett
Brett Legree’s last blog post..viking fridays - a shield for its shelter.