Last week Havi Brooks over at The Fluent Self wrote about fear. In the post, she talked about how fear is a part of us and we should let it teach us instead of freeze us in place. In November 2006, in my post Mildly Chilled by Fear, I talked about how I had started my novel, thinking that I’d take a month to get the first draft written (And why not? It wasn’t like I was doing anything else) and then start a book version of Someday Syndrome. Because I’d never completed a project of that size before I was scared I wouldn’t get it done. I had a whole bunch of reasons why I couldn’t do it and why I felt afraid, but then I continued and got it done anyway (taking four months instead of one and deciding to turn the Someday Syndrome book into a workshop instead).
This week, I made the Lab-Rats face their fears.
1. What fear(s) do you harbour concerning your current goals? I can’t say I have any fears in regards to my present goals. Like I said in a previous exercise, I like to examine all possible scenarios and when I decide to leap, I accept anything that may go wrong. My goals are also not the end all of things. All I really care about is living a healthy, rewarding and happy life. Attaining my goals is a bonus. I am happy with my present life and take good care to preserve it.
2. Does fear help you or hinder you? Are you motivated or frozen by it? Like I’ve said before, I am a bit of a lazy person and I thrive under pressure. Whether that pressure comes in the form of a tight deadline or a grizzly bear wanting me for lunch, fear will always motivate me. I must also say that some of my best decisions were taken under pressure.
3. What technique(s) do you use to act despite (or because of) your fear(s)? Suck it up and reload! When fear makes me have second thoughts about something I rationalize that fear and it soon goes away being replaced by a huge rush of adrenaline. Not too much into extreme sports but I do looove snowboarding. Every time I’m on top of a new hill I always have a fear of what’s ahead. I can rarely get a good layout of the slope and, my only option is to just rationalize the fear and jump in! This invariably puts my senses on edge and makes me react instinctively without thinking. What a rush!!! You see? Fear is good!
This is a hard entry for me. And I can’t figure out why. I have lots of fears but I don’t think I always acknowledge them as fears. I just get bitchy, unsettled and defensive and then recognize the feeling as fear once I reflect on how bitchy, unsettled and defensive I’ve become.
When I decided to return to school, I put the application process off because I was afraid I wouldn’t get accepted. (Smells like the rejection fear.) Once I got accepted, I had the fear of not being smart enough (or is that good enough) to complete it. “Rejection” and “good enough” seem to be the two fears that crop up for me the most. But ultimately, my biggest fear is wasting my life and not doing the things I was meant to do in a meaningful way that makes a difference. I think I’m afraid of living without life.
Once I recognize fear, I’m not terribly afraid of it and I find it quite helpful. I may second-guess my decisions, and become cranky (as discussed above), but I give myself time to mildly wallow in a fear-fest and then I get on with facing the fear itself. It becomes a problem though when I don’t recognize what it is I’m feeling. My fear can be masked by worry, anger and even giddiness, but I need to unpack those things to understand what’s really going on. So in those cases, where I don’t recognize fear for what it is, I get stuck.
The greatest fear I’ve had to overcome is the decision to have another child after the stillbirth of my first one. I feared eating, drinking, peeing and breathing for nine months. I feared an unexpected outcome, more grief and another “rejection”. To get through that, I did what Havi Brooks suggested – I talked with my fear. And I would talk my fear away, reassuring myself that it was okay to feel that way because it was a scary situation for me. I would tell people I was afraid and I would cry. And I would laugh a lot too – more of that nervous, twitchy type of fake laughter that drives you crazy to hear. But humour always helps me.
The most practical thing I do now is to visualize for the way I hope things will be, rather than allow fear to dictate how it could be. Part of that visualization is always a small prayer to say, “Allow it to be.” I also play the worst case scenario game when my mind wants to go there. I think about the worst possible outcome and realize, and I try to uncover the world of the unknown where so many of my fears lurk.
I really liked that post of yours, especially the part about moving forward in spite of everything. That’s the key. Fear is an interesting one.
Perhaps my answers make sense in the context of some of the stuff we’ve already discussed during this exercise.
1. I wouldn’t say I really harbour any fears concerning my current goals. While these are things that I dearly want to accomplish, if they do not get done, it is not the end of the world for me. I have faced things in life much, much worse than this, and so it kind of put things into perspective. And then again, there must be something that motivates me, right? I wouldn’t say it is fear of anything, more a realization that we have a finite time here to do the things we want to do.
So, we can either work hard to do these things, and steer the ship ourselves, or just let the waves of life carry us. I think either path is okay and that’s an individual choice. Sometimes we do a little of both, and that is a good way to experience variety in life. Take the road less traveled. Turn left instead of right.
2. That may sound kind of wishy-washy, but it really is how I feel. I am simply motivated by the realization that if I don’t act now, things may not get done. And then again, as long as I am enjoying the journey, and doing good works, does it really matter if things are left by the wayside? If I keep my family happy, that is good. If we can play at the beach and watch the sunset, that is good.
3. Thus, because my main motivator is acceptance of mortality, I keep that at the forefront of my thoughts. I try to ask myself if what I’m doing today is what I truly want to be doing, because I may not have another day. The answer isn’t always yes, at least, not yet. My 9-to-5 is reasonably pleasant, yet I cannot ignore the fact that it isn’t what I want to do. So I move forward.
Someday Lessons:
6 Responses to “Fearfully Moving Forward - Full Text Answers”
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If you’d like a tool for setting your goals, you can use this web application:
http://www.Gtdagenda.com
You can use it to manage your goals, projects and tasks, set next actions and contexts, use checklists, schedules and a calendar.
A mobile version and iCal are available too.
Thanks for the resource, Dan. I like that it’s portable.
Alex,
I am touched by how honest these answers are. Not so much because I think they wouldn’t try to be honest but more because I don’t think people are often that much in touch with their fears. It is common to be in denial about fear. It is common to not want to appear or feel vulnerable, so a lot of people rationalize their emotions to whittle away the fear. This was nice to be able to read about people who took the time to really give an honest self-examined response. I wonder if because they are all writers it is easier to be that self examined or coincedence?
Wendi Kelly´s last blog post..Remembering Pen Pals…
@Wendi
I think it might be more because they were all volunteers stepping forward to publicly do some self-development work. That takes a pretty highly self-actualized person to be willing to step forward and expose themselves like that.
But being writers does help - as does being bloggers and already being used to exposing oneself to the world (in a non pervert-flasher kind of way).
@Wendi - I did have a more contrived, safe response but it didn’t feel right. That’s part of why this post was so hard for me. I was struck by fear just writing it. I usually write about other people, not myself, so this is a challenge for me, but very rewarding.
Fear is indeed a natural instinct that can help us to survive. I agree with your conclusion - we shouldn’t ignore it, but at the same time don’t let it stop us from our goals.
Al at 7P´s last blog post..Guest Post at Write to Done