Last week Havi Brooks over at The Fluent Self wrote about fear. In the post, she talked about how fear is a part of us and we should let it teach us instead of freeze us in place. In November 2006, in my post Mildly Chilled by Fear, I talked about how I had started my novel, thinking that I’d take a month to get the first draft written (And why not? It wasn’t like I was doing anything else) and then start a book version of Someday Syndrome. Because I’d never completed a project of that size before I was scared I wouldn’t get it done. I had a whole bunch of reasons why I couldn’t do it and why I felt afraid, but then I continued and got it done anyway (taking four months instead of one and deciding to turn the Someday Syndrome book into a workshop instead).
This week, I made the Lab-Rats face their own fears:
N.B. Sal’s off the hook this week since he’s working a series of 12-hour days.
The Urbane Lion and Brett pay more attention to the journey than to the destination so really have no fears. As long as things are going well in the moment, they’re happy. They will adjust as they go, but why worry about the future when the present is pretty good?
Crista is much more like I am. We both experience fears of rejection and of being judged not good enough. For both of us it’s all related to being a validation junkie. However, we don’t let that stop us from acting. Fear might delay us but the fear of living a life that we don’t want motivates us more strongly than the fear of not getting the validation we crave.
Since Brett doesn’t allow fear to rise up inside of him, he needs no response to it. He just goes with the flow and acknowledges that things will either get done or they won’t. Simple, no? (I wish!)
In a typical leonine fashion, the Urbane Lion laughs at fear and uses it to get things done. As he says: “some of my best decisions were taken under pressure.” That freaks me out a bit. I don’t like snap decisions. In fact, I plan things months in advance (with room for last minute changes) just to avoid having to make a snap decision when I might be overwhelmed by fear.
Speaking of which, Crista’s crankiness and her tendency to wallow reminded me of my comment on Havi’s post where I detailed my reaction to fear:
Since the Urbane Lion laughs at fear, he welcomes it as an honorable foe. Brett doesn’t have to move past fear because he excludes it from his life. Crista and I, however, have to create ways to calm ourselves down or we go into an unproductive wallow. Crista learned to deal with fear during the pregnancy after the stillbirth of her first child. Instead of wallowing, she talked to her fear, let it be a part of her, let herself cry (and laugh a lot in a slightly crazy way). She also learned to picture both the best and worst outcomes to understand what exactly her fears about the situation were, knowing that an unknown fear is impossible to get past.
Someday Lessons:
24 Responses to “Fearfully Moving Forward”
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Hi Alex - not acting is dangerous isn’t it? I’ve been in that situation before - you know - when you feel completely frozen and you can’t think straight enough to do something.
It sounds like you do the same as me and plan too many big projects at once & expect to squash them all into little time.
Cath Lawson´s last blog post..Free Gift Ideas That Help You Sell More
@Cath
Totally - this time around I’m learning and taking it step by step - the trick now is to keep my impatience in check…
Oh my days! I just read your 6 point reaction to fear and recognised myself - what’s scary is that I hadn’t realised I was hiding from my fears in that vicious circle until I saw this. Thanks - you’ve given me a huge amount to think about . . .
Ellsea´s last blog post..Something I hadn’t thought of before . . .
@Ellsea
).
If I can recognize that I’m in the spiral before I go too all-out nutso then I can figure out what fear is affecting me and I can pull myself out of it (in fact, I did just that yesterday - and apologized to Raul for being a super-sensitive freak before we ended up in an argument
Always glad to help and welcome to the blog! I’m off to check yours out now…
[...] is a factor. But, looking over my state of mind, and given that one of the places I surfed to was Someday Syndrome to read the “fearfully moving forward” post, a number of recognitions have fallen into [...]
Oh lord, do I ever recognize myself in your list of how you react! So much so I actually laughed, and kind of felt like crying. I know I’ve talked about this on my blog before, about fear and how it affects me, and you can often read me thinking it out. Sort of like Havi said, I guess, talking through your fear. (That was a great post, btw, I’ve given it a link in my ebook.)
What happens eventually when I’m afraid is that I either rationalize my way through it or I get so tired of myself I feel moved to change the situation. The trick for me, I’m finding, is to jump before I’m ready. There’s two benefits to this: one, the adrenaline rush and sense of accomplishment afterward, and two, it actually gets done. If I waited till I was ready, nothing would ever happen.
This is a really great post!
steph´s last blog post..Magic in the Air
@Steph
Thanks!I like your solution of starting before you’re ready because, honestly, no one is ever fully prepared.
This is a great post, I agree.
A counterpoint to what I had answered - perhaps sometimes it might be nice if I got stressed out about some things at least a little!
I mean, if I go with the flow too much, I might just sell all my worldly belongings and go join a monastery or something
(not likely to happen, I’d miss Cathryn and the kids too much)
In any case, this continues to be a valuable exercise - lots of introspection and self-learning.
I can’t thank you enough, Alex.
-Brett
Brett Legree´s last blog post..the thing that should not be.
@Brett
Thank you! Without the Lab-Rats, I’d have to do a whole lot more work!
But seriously, what you say is true - balance is always a good thing (even if it takes a lot of practice to achieve and discipline to maintain).
@Alex,
Hey, no worries. This exercise is a good way to check the balance, I think.
Brett Legree´s last blog post..the thing that should not be.
You know Alex, I discovered awhile ago that I don’t consciously acknowledge that I’m scared, but I notice I feel very angry although nothing specific has happened to make me angry. So I think, “why do I feel angry?”, and then I think, “oh, I must be scared.” Then I identify what I’m scared about and I do EFT or the Sedona Method to release the fear.
Marelisa´s last blog post..Thoughts to Get Your Creative Juices Flowing
Been there, done that, one through six. Someone once said to me, Karen, you’re afraid what will happen if you succeed.
Ouch.
Karen Putz´s last blog post..Karen Putz and Amy Derby Do Lunch
We will always encounter fear in one way or another but it is how we respond to fear that matters. I’m also with Marelisa; I’ve found that EFT or the Sedona Method helps to calm me down and release all my negative and unhelpful thoughts.
Evelyn Lim´s last blog post..Mind Travel To Ancient Egypt
@Marelisa
I do the anger thing too - I wander around with a simmering fire just waiting to burst into full-on flame. And it’s totally fear related. I’ve learned to recognize it and laugh at myself when I do. I find that poking the fire actually puts it out instead of heating it up - as long as I’m the one doing the poking. If someone else pokes, whoa, look out!
@Karen
I don’t actually have any fear of success - my fear is totally based in doing a whole bunch of work “for nothing” - I don’t like to work hard and hate the idea of the iffiness of new ventures.
@Evelyn
It’s so true that fear is ever-present, isn’t it? And you’re right, our response to fear is the big thing - I’ve heard many times that courage isn’t the absence of fear, but the willingness to move forward despite feeling it.
Hi Alex, admittedly, fear both stops me and moves me. It depends on how badly I want to do something. Fear can serve a good purpose to give you that pause to make a decision as to which way to ‘cross the street’ so to speak. I’m pretty good at putting my head down (like a Ram; I’m an Aries), and pushing through.
Davina´s last blog post..I’m Over The Moon As NBOTW
@Davina
Desire really pushes through fear well, doesn’t it? I can’t remember where I read it recently but one of my regular blog reads mentioned that the strongest desire always wins out. If you want something strongly enough than you’ll do it despite the fear.
Hi (again!),
You talked above about the anger that comes from fear - and I get that too. What do you mean by ‘poking it’ to put it out? I have huge issues (particularly when stress and exhaustion get into the mix) not blowing my top and shouting the odds . . .
Thanks!
Ellsea´s last blog post..Minor dramas and major performances
@Ellsea
To expand the metaphor - sometimes when a fire is smoldering if you poke it with a stick it falls apart and goes out. Other times it catches fire again.
I find by being slightly self-mocking about the fear/anger the first happens - as in I realize that I’m being melodramatic and poof! the fire falls to pieces.
Does that help?
I wish I was like Brett and didn’t experience fear because I was so busy cruising along enjoying life. Wow, how can I become that way? Fear is my biggest motivator in life, and my biggest stumbling block.
I am motivated when life backs me into a corner and then I always come out fighting, scared or not. I am also motivated to confront fears I have acknowledged, so I put myself in risky situations just to test my boundaries (like backpacking solo through 3rd world countries or quitting a job without lining up another).
But other fears just plain mess with my head and incapacitate me. When it comes to relationships issues or my dream of becoming a novelist, I have a habit of pushing forward, having doubt, backing off, getting upset, getting angry because I don’t want to be upset, stop sleeping, get migraines and then fall apart. When I’ve had enough of torturing myself and I’m in that proverbial corner, I decide to fight back and I become motivated to make the change happen.
All will be good until I hit another fear barrier and the vicious cycle starts again. I have tried EFT and Sedona, and Sedona does work for me, but I still seem to have a need to bash my head against a brick wall first before I make progress. If only I cold skip all the self destructive part and move straight to the accomplishment of goals, life would be much easier.
Kelly
yes, it does - thanks. I guess learning to laugh at myself when I’m being a total drama queen would take the heat out of the situation.
Ellsea´s last blog post..Minor dramas and major performances
@Kelly
Your process sounds a lot like my six steps. It seems to be a universal thing for those of us blocked by fear.
Maybe if you can figure out what the difference is between the two types of situations then you’ll be able to determine what triggers the negative spiral.
If you’re like me then the first type of thing has no reflection on self-worth and I don’t look for external validation, but the second is all about approval and validation from others (or can be but not necessarily should be). In my case I *hate* opening myself up for external judgment so get totally freaked out by it. It’s because I’m still working on my own sense of self-worth I think.
@Ellsea
Yes, a sense of humour about oneself is essential I’ve found.
In my work-a-day world, I almost never have a sense of fear. Problems slide from my shoulders as I stride into the fray.
My writing world is quite different.
It’s a place of deep fear. The fear of course is that I have a difficult time accepting the idea that I should actually enjoy doing something, which might explain why I don’t have the same problem at work.
I see my friends Karen Swim and James Chartrand are right… I ought to be spending some time here reading your blog, Alex.
Jamie Grove - How Not To Write´s last blog post..How to Deal with Being Afraid of Your Writing
@Jamie
Welcome! Thanks for visiting. I’ve been lurking on your site for a little while scoping out the community before I slide in. Your visit here is a good prompt to actually step up and contribute to your own conversations.
I understand completely about the fear in different areas of your life. My fears are never the same in each area - one might be fear of failure, another fear of success and a third fear of risk. It makes for addressing my fears much more of a challenge.