Last week I asked Carrie to examine her happiness levels. Although she rated each day well at the end, most days were filled with fear.
That’s not surprising. She’s just made the decision to leave everything she knows to start a new life and to take the first steps towards fulfilling her dreams. That’s an extremely scary place to be.
So, this week I asked her to write out those fears. Often if we see all the fears in front of us, they diminish to at least a manageable size. There’s a cliché about fear really being based that which we don’t know or understand. If we can therefore know and understand our fears we can dispel them (or at least ignore them long enough to keep moving on).
Of course sometimes, a fear appears as a motivator and pushes us forward.
Now let’s take a look at Carrie’s fears:
I fear that I will never actually change my life. I also fear that I will be unsuccessful. I fear that my life will take the same turn it did when I was 21 and in Paris. I fear that in spite of the fact that I now have a college degree, a strong foundation in who I am, and feel ready to change my life, I will end up destitute, broke, waiting tables again. Screwed over, abused, spit on and high on the false lingering of my fragile ego.
I fear that I haven’t changed. I fear the voices in my head that tell me that I should just go ahead and follow the path to security and stability in my own city, in my own field, in my own language.
I fear that I want the things I want because I am childish and mal adjusted. I fear I am making the wrong decision. I fear that these fears will keep me from my true bliss. I fear that I will decide to follow my dreams and they will be false and I will know that I have made the largest mistake in my life by leaving the success of my current life. I fear that I have worked so hard for the past years for something that I never really wanted. I fear I will not get what I want out of life. I fear both versions of my future.
But more than I fear all of those things, I fear not ever changing. I fear that I will wake up in 20 years and know what I know today, that not leaving was a mistake, that I married and had children and raised them around their grandparents simply for the comfort of it, Or maybe the pressure of it.
There are two main fears here: fear of inaction and fear of failure. One is pushing Carrie forward: the fear of never changing her life. The fear of failure, however, is holding her back. And Carrie is trapped between the two of them.
So, how does Carrie resolve them? The answer to the first fear (of inaction) is action – make a decision and do something. To the second fear, the answer is preparation. The more prepared you are going into a situation, the less likely you’ll fail at it.
In Carrie’s case, both action and preparation start with being clear on her goals, which we’ll look at next week.
How about you? Do your fears motivate you? Hold you back? Or like Carrie trap you in the middle?
11 Responses to “Are You Motivated or Held Back by Fear?”
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Indeed the preparation is important and especially in these days a lot of companies and persons do “fast shots” trying to solve problems mostly driven by fears. Taking enough time for evaluation is essential.
Further direction is more important than goals. Having a direction implies the possibility to change the direction if you find out - while on the way - that things turning out different as expected.
Martin Wildam´s last blog post..Information and experience
Hi Alex
I can really relate to Carrie’s tug of war, although I think fear of inaction always propels us forward eventually. I liked your answer to the fear of failure, preparation. Sometimes we get so paralysed by our fear of failure that we forget that practical steps and action can be all it takes to conquer that fear or at least see the big picture positively.
Anna
ps I tried to contact you via your contact page and it was unsuccessful, I wanted to find out more about your email workshop.
I think fear’s always a good chance to grow.
I think the saying is, confidence is feeling the fear and doing it anyway. I like that.
J.D. Meier´s last blog post..My Favorite Personal Development Books
This is a great article. It’s good to know I’m not the only one who gets trapped by contradictory fears.
Joely Black (@TheCharmQuark on Twitter)´s last blog post..No, I don’t know how to ask for help
Fear is a paper dragon. We are not our fears. We may have some fears and that’s a good thing. Every fire needs kindling and fuel. Light a fire using your fears and burn them in it.
Pamir | Reiki Help Blog´s last blog post..Submit your wellness values to Obama/Biden Health care team
Hi, Alex -
I’ve been following your comments on other blogs and I figured I’d stop in at Someday Syndrome. Some great stuff here. Like Carrie, I, too, struggle with fear, but mostly of the unknown. (Let’s just say I’m no daredevil.)
Thanks for the great lesson. Looking forward to learning more!
Rebecca Smith´s last blog post..What the heck is figgy pudding?
Fear doesn’t usually hold me back, but I’ve had days where it does bubble up — this exercise of writing down your fears is definitely the most effective way to understand them. Also, once I write down my fears, they start to look kind of irrational, and it’s much easier to move forward positively.
Zoe´s last blog post..Community Contemplation: Consumer or Creator?
One would think that using fear of inaction would be more beneficial than using fear of failure, as it causes you to remember that the only way the fear can take hold is if you stop acting. Countering the fear is as easy as continually putting out effort, as opposed to having to think about the possible result of failure.
Armen Shirvanian´s last blog post..Much Of What You See Is Engineered
Hi Alex, thanks for the insightful post
I find the exercise of writing my fears down and analyzing them is very helpful in dispelling them. After a while of doing it, my natural inclination turned into embracing and moving forward in the face of fear, rather than shrinking in front of it. It is a very liberating feeling 
Look forward to more posts
Celes | EmbraceLiving.Net´s last blog post..8 Steps To Turn Your Perfectionist Alter-Ego Into Your Ally
Sadly,
I find that my fear holds me back. There have been a few rare times in my life when fear has motivated me, and it seems it’s only at the very last moment, crunch time, when I get scared enough to just get it done no matter what. Otherwise, I seem to drag my feet on and on and get sidetracked from my projects. It seems that I need to focus.
RyanMHall´s last blog post..Challenge Yourself and Break Through Your “Limits”
@Martin
Very good point. And you’ve nicely introduced the exercises for the next few weeks after goals…
@Anna
Yes, the pain of being in place gets to a point that the risk of trying something new becomes more palatable. Of course, it’s much better if we can make the move before the now becomes too painful!
@JD
That’s a great saying and I’ve heard it used to describe courage, which now that I think about it is another form of confidence.
@Joely
You should see me when I’m bouncing between one and the other! I make a pinball machine look slow.
@Pamir
What a great image. It’s a nice way of saying that we create 99% of our own fears, so we can destroy them too.
@Rebecca
Welcome! Fortunately that fear has never really worried me that much - my future fear is of failure - that I’m going to do a whole lot of work with no result, so why bother?
@Armen
Exactly and that’s why so many self-help programs are based around taking small steps every day. In other words, if we “show up” we’ve already acted and so can continue to act.
@Celes
Good for you for being able to move forward towards your dreams. I now try to look for the thing that scares me the most and head in that general direction as usually the fear is hiding what I’m most passionate about.
@Ryan
There are so many people who work from that principal. I had a young English student once who would cry most of her way through an exam mutter “I don’t know, I don’t know” and then when told she had 5 minutes left whip through the exam and get more of the answers right.