Back in university I tried being a peer counselor for a help-phone service.
I wasn’t very good at it. I was too action-focused.
This was back in the early 90s and for some reason almost all my calls were from people having troubles coming out. I knew that I had been lucky growing up in an open family where coming out of the closet for me involved nothing more than opening the closet door and saying hi. I knew as well that a lot of others didn’t have it so easy.
That being said, here’s a typical conversation on the subject:
Caller: I think I might be gay.
Me (using lots of empathetic language basically asking): Think or know? Or maybe you’re bisexual.
Caller (doing lots of hemming and hawing that said): Okay yes, I’m totally gay. But I don’t want to be.
Me: You know you can’t change that, right?
Caller: Yes.
Me: Okay, then let’s figure out how you can come to terms with that and how to create a safe and happy world for yourself.
Caller: But I don’t want to be gay. Maybe I’m not.
Me (using lots more empathetic language around acceptance leading to): Are you or aren’t you?
Caller (doing lots more hemming and hawing leading to): Yes, I am 100% gay.
Me: Okay, now let’s talk about acceptance and actions.
Caller: But I don’t want to be gay. Maybe I’m not.
Me (silently): ARRRGGHHH!!!!
I know that some things are harder to accept than others, especially if they go against what you (or those around you) perceive to be the “natural order of things” but when faced with something that I know to be 100% true, I don’t fight it. I figure out a way to turn lemons into lemon meringue pie.
Don’t get me wrong. I totally understand resisting change. Sometimes when I’m feeling contrary I’ll fight recognizing the truth the way a baby fights falling asleep.
But when I know something for certain, I decide a course of action and go.
Anything else is not just a waste of time, energy and emotion – it wastes life.
So, are you wasting time not recognizing something that’s true for you?
12 Responses to “Living in Denial isn’t Living”
Leave a Reply
Please join in the conversation and leave a comment - I’d love to hear from you!
Hi
Nice post.
I think that it also works the other way round i.e. that one does not recognize talents and leaves them to waste.
For example, I may actually be really good at painting, but, because I have no belief in myself, I don’t follow that path. I miss out on my full potential and enjoyment.
Juliet
LifeMadeGreat | Juliet´s last blog post..What Are You Denying Yourself?
This is another one of those areas that baffles me. SO many people live in denial (and I’m not just talking about being gay). They live in denial because they fear the outcome of the truth.
Want to know a secret? Living in denial hurts not only you but other people too, the ones who can clearly see and know what you refuse to.
And I hate to say it, but what’s the worst that could happen if you did face the truth?
James Chartrand - Men with Pens´s last blog post..TweetDeck: Stacking Your Deck with New Tools
“To thine Own Self Be True”.
The first time I read that, was in an Incredible Hulk Comic, of all things.
I know that I don’t want to be working where I work right now. To do anything else would be denial.
So I started working to change this on several fronts. Just today, I got an email to arrange an interview in a totally different field of work, but it is something I have always had an interest in doing, so I’m going to go for it.
You never know where it might lead…
Brett Legree´s last blog post..viking fridays - burning logs and reindeer bones.
@Alex
Okay, I’m going to play devils’ advocate here.
For example, I know I procrastinate. I’ve tried to mend my habits. I’ve taken the Seven Hhabits course, I’ve read self-improvement books, I’ve tried to be organized. I’ve been fighting this for years.
But I constantly still find myself sliding back to my old patterns…putting things off, doing things at the last minute…
And it seems to have worked. Despite my methods, I’ve accomplished quite a bit inmy life. And I haven’t really missed out on any opportunities.
So mabye I should stop fighting the Someday Syndrome.
Mabye I should just accept it, because that’s my TRUE nature!
Friar´s last blog post..My Most Memorable Christmas Presents: The Best and The Worst.
Thanks for your post and your blog. I’ve been having a hard time accepting my financial situation. I’m in a lot of debt and getting a divorce and it’s really scary, but I know I need to do something about it. I want to start freelancing, but I’m scared of that too so I’ve been procrastinating. But I’ve planned a week in January to really get things rolling. I know I have to go for it.
Natalie´s last blog post..Happiness
As Covey would put it, don’t break yourself against the laws.
Decide and go, and make the most of what you got.
I’ve seen too many people spend too much time trying to change themselves into something they’re not, instead of leveraging who they already are. Part of the issue is, I don’t think there’s enough of the right driver’s guides to help people be their best. I think the right mentor(s) makes a world of difference.
J.D. Meier´s last blog post..My Favorite Personal Development Books
I’m not sure if this fits in the discussion, but for me, not thinking I am good or smart enough to branch out on my own and start a business was part of it for me. That and so many other things in life were things that only “other people” deserve or can achieve.
Carla´s last blog post..Green and Chic Blog | What is it?
@Brett
How’d the job interview go?
I never worry that you’re in denial about anything!
@Friar
Yes! I always believe that if it works for you then it’s not a problem - it’s your way of functioning. So yes, stop fighting it and just enjoy your way of being.
@Natalie
I’m sorry to hear about your situation - separations are always had, especially financially. Good luck with the freelance launch - a book I’d highly recommend (recommended to me by Kelly at Maximum Customer Experience) is Getting Business to Come to You by Paul & Sarah Edwards.
And remember to let yourself to take things slowly. Patience is not one of my strongest virtues but without it we can drive ourselves crazy.
@JD
Being willfully blind does seem to be an innate human trait, doesn’t it?
@Carla
Totally fits the conversation - denial of truth includes denying our strengths. First thing is to recognize how great we actually are!
Alex,
I’ll let you know how it goes (well, I’ll let everyone know on my blog too) - I expect the interview will be some time in January as there wasn’t enough time for it before the holiday. It could be interesting…
Brett Legree´s last blog post..viking fridays - burning logs and reindeer bones.
I just stumbled on this post when I googled “How do you know if you’re living in denial” I think what I really what to figure out is– how often am I living in denial, how long have I been doing it, and how much of my life has been affected. Which parts are true and which parts are a product of calling denial “my positive attitude” There probably aren’t any absolute answers to my questions. My plan is to just start paying more attention to how my thoughts affect my actions. Another concern though is how this may have affected my preteen children. My denial hasn’t been anything obivous like drug abuse denial. Just little every day stuff that now has me years down the road still saying the same things to myself “keep a positive attitude”, “what can I change to make this work”, “pray about it and don’t make any hasty decisions that you may regret”
@Faith
Sometimes we can use an always positive attitude as a form of procrastination because we don’t allow ourselves to think about the negative stuff (plus it’s just exhausting!).
I wouldn’t worry about what’s happened up until now. Much better to start with moving forward from today with being more aware (well done on making that connection) and focus on making progress moment by moment.