Someday Lessons: When making big changes, don’t forget your responsibilities.
When I was ready to leave Canada back in 2006, there was one thing that almost stopped me from leaving.
My cats.
I’d had one since 1994 and the other since 1997. The younger one I didn’t really worry about. He’d be happy with anyone who fed and brushed him. The older one though, she is my first cat and I’m her person. After investigating taking them with me, I eventually decided to leave them with my parents who after being not that thrilled with going from three to five cats, settled right in to the idea. And it gave my mother something of me to care for when she worried about me moving across the ocean.
I still feel guilty two years later. About six months after I’d moved, my mother pulled out a blanket of mine and the cats immediately curled up on it. Then my sister bought my car off of me (I’d been storing it in my parents’ driveshed) and when the older cat heard it leave, she sat in front of the house staring down the driveway for hours.
Carrie’s in the same situation. She’s had a dog for a long time and she almost kept her in Atlanta, but like my cats she’s going to go live with Carrie’s mother. It’s still hard, however, and no matter how well we know we’ve taken care of the responsibilities we’ve taken on in the past, that little bit of guilt sticks with us.
Here’s what Carrie had to say:
My dog is 10 years old and she is already graying and you said it perfectly by saying that it is the one responsibility that I feel really bad about. I am devastated.
I have been asking myself what exactly it represents and why this is literally waking me up every night and making me cry every morning. The only thing I can truly come up with is that it is her. I have had her for my entire twenties and she is my life line, she has been my guardian and companion through some of the best and worst times in my life thus far.
My life will not ever be the same again and the passage of this stage of my life where she is my dog is just not something I am ready to end yet. I wanted to have her until she died and I am just having a hard time putting myself and my life first.
When I first started to plan the move I knew this part would be hard but I kept telling myself that I cannot not live my life for my dog. Well I thought this guilt and pain over it would get easier, that I would get to a better place, but that hasn’t happened yet.
I am afraid of the rapidly approaching end of the month when I will have to drive her to Florida because I will be out of my apartment and it will be too much to crash at people’s homes with her. I am so afraid of the drive down there with her next to me and knowing that I will have to drive back without her.
I will see what happens but so far this has been the worst part of this move.
How about you? Ever made a change that’s caused you to make painful decisions about responsibilities you’ve taken on in the past?
26 Responses to “Cats, dogs and guilt: following through on responsibilities”
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All the time.
I use the past to educate my future, so it happens less though, or less significant.
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I’ve had pets in the past, and the worst thing is always moving somewhere they can’t live. I used to keep rats (I know, I know, but they are lovely intelligent things in person), and when I left a long-term partner I’d had, I moved to an apartment where my rat Saadya wouldn’t be welcome. I had to leave him there. About two months after I left, the ex told me that Saadya had died. He just slumped around not wanting to do anything. I felt awful about it.
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Tough one, tough one.
I once got a dog from the SPCA. They don’t give animals away lightly. The dog was 5 months old, had been beaten and had given up on people. I had to prove to the SPCA I would be a good person to give the dog a home.
The woman had looked at me and said, “You have to understand that if you take this dog in, you are making a promise to care for it for the rest of your life. She’s going to be part of your family. You’re going to have to be there for her until the day she dies.”
She was so grave and serious that I’ve never forgotten that.
The dog turned out to have severe epilepsy from the beatings, requiring multiple hospitalizations and daily doses of Dilantin to control seizures. She had severe separation anxiety, and shredded three doors, four window frames, chewed her way through plastic crates, ripped a sofa and crashed through a window. Kids made her nervous and we had to watch she didn’t bite them out of fear if they ran past her too quickly. She was in a car accident, broke her leg the worst way possible and required special surgery only offered in a far-away city which left her with a pin in her leg and me flat broke. I moved four times during her life - and if the dog couldn’t come, I didn’t live in that location. She got old, then aged, and became stone deaf. She developed cataracts and went blind. She eventually couldn’t walk anymore, and I carried her outside when she needed it.
She died at over 18 years of age.
Please let me assure you - I took my promise to care for my pet very seriously. I didn’t let my pet hold me back from life - I had made a commitment to my pet that its life would be cared for by me. It’s a responsibility that you take on when you bring an animal in your home.
I do understand that sometimes, we can’t care for animals and have to find alternative caregivers. But I also am not sure that everyone’s life changes should include leaving pets behind.
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@J.D.
Glad to hear that the lessons from the past are needed less and less!
@Joely
I get you about the rats - we had them growing up as well. They are so full of personality. And so intelligent! Ours used to play tricks on the cats.
@James
That is dedication. And I agree that too many people make decisions without considering their pets. If my parents hadn’t offered I would have brought them with me and changed the type of place I was staying at, what stuff I would have taken with me - the whole bit. Fortunately I found a way that everyone’s happy. Or in Killy’s case at least comfortable (she’s always been a bit bitchy which is what I love about her).
Alex,
Ooh, this hurts. We’re all sensitive about our furry friends, eh?
Though I’d love one, and though the kid never stops torturing me about wanting one, I can’t commit to a pet right now for precisely this reason—wondering about what’s next. They do get attached and have every right to, and I feel like the word “apartment” holds me back from having a furry buddy. It’s a word that means “not forever” to me, and that’s just not compatible with owning a pet.
The minute we’ve got a house, I have no doubt that an adorable husky puppy will follow, according to the kid’s very strict instructions. Until then… I cozy up to other people’s pets. I agree, it sure is a big responsibility.
Regards,
Kelly
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@ Kelly - Don’t get a husky. Don’t. Get. A. Husky.
Beautiful dogs. Loopy, destructive, run away, separation anxiety, the whole nine yards. Don’t get a Husky.
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Owned one all growing up. Love them, duck-eating, fence-buggering, runaway, command-ignoring dog school dropout, and all. Wouldn’t own anything but.
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See? I was right. Dogs from behavior hell. I knew it.
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Mmhm. & I love ‘em, the coldhearted dears.
I’m a bit known for giving my love in the wrong places. Maybe it started with huskies…
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It’s hard to say this without sounding condemning, but I don’t believe in leaving pets behind. I see them as family members.
I’m with James. I don’t (because I can’t) distinguish my life from my life with our boxer Lucy. She’s our responsibility and our love. She is family. It’s just the way it is. Any changes would consider her as much as they would my husband. If it means denying myself, so be it. I will never, ever leave her behind. I can’t think of a reason why I would have to, because my choices would be such that I wouldn’t have to.
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@ Steph - Mmm… Well, I don’t consider them family members (pets are animals, after all), but I do consider the responsibility important, yes. I treat animals the way I do because of responsibility.
Just making it clear where I stand and why, I guess.
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@Kelly
Good for you for knowing your limits. Here in my city I see far too many people with HUGE dogs in small apartments. Big dogs need lots of space.
@Steph
Our (sub)urbanized culture really does make cats and dogs family. In so many other cultures, they’re work animals and belong in a house as much as a cow or sheep does. It’s all a matter of choice and what they’re used to. One of the reasons I didn’t bring my cats with me was that they’d have to adjust to living inside only and I couldn’t do that to them.
Late for the party. Oh well.
I love dogs. I always have. As far as I’m concerned, they ARE members of the family.
(Which is funny, because as far as they’re concerned, we’re probably members of their pack!)
Now that I have a house, people say Friar, why don’t you get one of your own?
Well, I love dogs enough, to know that I should NOT have one, not right now.
It’s a huge responsibility and committment. And it’s kinda hard, on your own when you work full-time, without a spouse or kids to help take care of them.
Wouldn’t be fair to the puppy, if I left it alone and was gone all day at work.
But I’m “Uncle Friar” to my sister’s dog. So I can borrow a dog, whenever I want. Including sleep-overs.
So I guess I got the best of both worlds.
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Friar,
You were born to be Uncle Friar. It seems to suit you so well.
It’s nice that you know enough to know borrowing your nephew the dog is as much as you’re ready for. Lots of folks figure that out too late.
Until later,
Kelly
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Frankly, I’m appalled. Stunned. Depending on the breed, dogs are social beings. Your dog loves you. Your dog, given the chance, would gladly die for you. Your dog offers you complete unconditional love, and you, Carrie, are abandoning her. There is no way around this fact. Our promises and commitments to other beings say who we are. They say who we are. They aren’t just some part of our lives, a segment that can be moved out of the way like a thing. Our relationships with others, including our dogs, aren’t something to put on a list of hierarchies, and then sorted. You are “putting yourself and your life first”? What is your life and who are you? Is it achievements, is it things, is it how you’d like to think of yourself? Is it books you read or dreams you have? No, the reality of your life IS how you treat people in your life, and that includes highly-social, loving beings like dogs. You aren’t being prevented from who you want to be. You are already who you are. You cry, not for some mysterious reason, but because you are doing something wrong, you are hurting someone, and when we do something wrong, we should feel guilt. We should feel pain. Perhaps you leave your dog alone all the time, and are already a person who takes on relationships, including ones with dogs, that are more about you than they are about the other person or being. In that case, the dog may eventually, after much heartache and loss, be happier with your mother. But, it is these actions, not the things you want to do someday or want to do now, rather than someday, that say who you are as a person. Listen to your feelings—these raw feelings. They are speaking truth to you about what you do, how you make decisions, how much you value others, and who you are.
@Friar
)
I grew up with dogs but never want to own one, but I’m glad I know people who do have them so that I too can play Uncle Alex to them (it’s also how I feel about kids!
@Carolyn
Everyone makes their choices based on what’s right for them. As I said to Steph, in many cultures dogs are not pets - they are at best work animals or even food. Although you choose to believe that a dog is like a child, that does not mean that everyone needs to act with the same belief. In Carrie’s case, she has acted in a way that she believes is responsible. If she feels that she is authentic and acting with integrity, then she can move forward happily. If you choose to judge her for it, then that is also your choice and I expect Carrie would not be someone you’d consider befriending. Nor perhaps me for leaving my cats with my parents.
@ Carolyn - Wow. What a seriously judgmental, vicious attack. Not very empathetic of you to rub salt in her wounds, douse her with gas and light her on fire.
In my opinion, your comment’s harshness is the perfect way to make people defensive against you rather than listening to you.
I also think you’re wrong, by the way, and I feel Carrie has acted responsibly, maturely and with careful consideration due her circumstances.
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@Alex Yes, everyone makes their choices, though not necessarily based on what’s right for them, nor on what’s right for those for whom they are responsible. Yes, other cultures do other things, but Carrie wrote from her own culture, and wondered why she felt grief. I’m answering her from within her own culture. I didn’t say that I think a dog is the same as a child. That was your interpretation. I said a dog is a social being (regardless of culture) and that she had taken on responsibility for this social being. She doesn’t seem to be moving on happily to me. In fact, I told her to look at her feelings and see them for what they really were, and to look at responsibilities she chose to take on. Failing to follow through on responsibilities and commitments we’ve chosen to take on, particularly when they involve others, because “we can’t live our life for them” is something that defines who we are as a person. She should, as I said, listen to those feelings. Her feelings. By the way, if you read what I wrote without emotion, Men with Pens, I think you’d be hard pressed to find a place where I “douse her with gas and light her on fire.” We’re not talking about something philosophical here, we’re talking about a person, the feelings they’ve stated themselves, and the fate of a social being. It calls for strong statements, and, if you read what I read carefully, you’ll see that there hasn’t been a “vicious attack,” or, in fact, an attack at all.
@Carolyn
I think what likely set James off was your first line of being appalled and stunned. Those are heavily loaded judgment words, which colored the rest of your commentary, making it seem to me as well that you were attacking Carrie for her decisions and actions.
Perhaps I didn’t explain myself clearly when I used the idea of different culture. Even within a culture there are differences. What for you is an appalling lack of responsibility, for someone else is an overly emotional reaction to parting from an animal. Carrie falls somewhere in the middle.
So she felt sad at parting from her furred companion, but feels good that she’s found a good home for the dog in a setting she (the dog) already knows. The exact same feelings/actions I took when I left Canada.
It’s probably time to drop this, but I just want to add that when you say that she ‘falls somewhere in the middle,” keep in mind that I’m responding to these things that she said,
“It is the one responsibility that I feel really bad about.”
“I am devastated.”
It is “literally waking me up every night and making me cry every morning.”
“She has been my guardian and companion through some of the best and worst times in my life so far.”
“My life will not ever be the same again”
and there’s a lot more.
I’m not so sure she falls in the middle, and I’m saying she’s right to look at those feelings and see the truth that is in them, feel them, face up to them, and not necessarily think it’s okay to put “myself and my life first.” Her decisions, especially about what she herself sees as her relationships are an enormous part of her SELF and her LIFE. These are defining moments. I don’t think friendships always mean saying, “whatever you intellectually decide is authentic, for you, is therefore okay.” Sometimes friends, acquaintances, or even passersby have a message that’s important, such as “Look at what you are doing. Look at what you are feeling.”
At any rate, my purpose was not to throw off the train of conversation in your blog, or to harp on a subject. The Someday Syndrome is a great name for a blog, a fabulous subject, and I wish you continued success with it.
@Carolyn
Thanks - I can see what you mean now. And yes, I agree completely that Carrie should examine her feelings to make sure that she’s doing what’s right for her. Thanks for continuing the conversation to clarify both our points.
Cheers,
Alex
Oh, by the way, I meant to apologize for starting my comment with the words that were coming from my gut reaction. You are quite correct that my opener set a tone, even though it wasn’t the true tone behind what I ended up writing in the rest of the message.
It was a foolish way to begin my comment.
Alex, when I was faced with moving from my home to a rental situation, one of the hardest aspects was realizing I might not be able to bring my cats. I guess the universe was smiling on us though, because the ONLY place I found that was in our preferred area and large enough to meet our needs happened to allow pets.
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@Janet
My sister faced the same situation when leaving her marriage - so many places don’t take pets, but then she found a perfect apartment and had no problems (she even got a second cat!)
Now that you mention it, I had to give up my dogs when I left my first marriage, and it was incredibly hard. For a long time I couldn’t even go into a pet store without crying.
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I chose not to respond to this at the time but have never forgotten the judgement bestowed upon me. It is nearly three years later and this is where I stand on the dog issue. I still miss my Shaka. I still adore her and have a sore spot about having left het behind. She is still being cared for by my family - she has moved back to georgia and lives with my father and has learned to befriend other dogs and is living out the end of her life peacfully in lots of open space. I still feel bad about having to cut the emotional connect between she and I and I think this is why: my parents, my friends, my siblings I can all communicate with. Shaka…not so much. She is a dog so we cannot conversate on skype. I cannot write her. I visit her when I go home to the US but that is no comfort as is skype and the year round contact I have with my other loved ones.
Carolyn, I hope somehow this thing sends you a message that I commented on this. I am now a mother to two children and the feelings I feel towards them are very similar to how I felt about Shaka. Except not really. The care and affection I felt towards her is close - but the sense of responsiblity is much much greater towards my children. I love my dog and I guarded her for ten years and then I left her with family when it was a time in my life for me to move forward and to (obviously) meet my destiny and have my twin girls. I do not regret leaving her one bit and now when I stare at my own kids I know it was for the best. At first when I moved here we used the excuse that we lived in an apartment in a city with no parks so we couldn’t bring her. Now we live in a house in the country and could actually have her here- but we don’t…why? Because I am afraid she would hurt the kids. I have two toddlers and I don’t think she would be very peaceful or happy here. Plus I think the flight over would be too much for her.
My point in responding is to say, thank god the fragile and hurt younger woman I was did not respond to your judegment at the time. The decision I made was for MY LIFE and I have a husband and two beautiful children from it and I would not have those people in my life if I had stayed in America to finish personally caring for my dog. (remember she is still with my family so it is not like I dropped her off at the pound) I will always love Shaka and I think she would judge me much less than you and thank goodness for that too.
And you did, Carolyn, directly attack me at the time for it. Re-read what you wrote.
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