While I knew that Wendi Kelly from Life’s Little Inspirations had lived a wide and varied life, until I read her interview I hadn’t realized that the variety also includes a very dark period in her life. This week I feel very honoured that Wendi has opened up and spoken about this chapter of her life in which she waited for the permission of others to do what was best for her.
Who: Wendi Kelly of Life’s Little Inspirations
Who she is: a vessel named Wendi Kelly that is hopefully used by God in a variety of ways and positions to make a positive difference as often as she can in the world.
Name one moment in your life when you threw a pity party for yourself and the reasons why you felt you weren’t able to achieve your goals. Were you feeling stuck? Had you felt you failed? What wasn’t working in your life?
I’m not much of a pity party thrower so it takes a lot. But there were a few years that threw me down to the ground big time. They were years I wouldn’t wish on anyone, but I learned a lot of life lessons that were worth a lot.
A very romantic man had swept me off my ignorant feet that I had thought I was madly in love with. Within a few weeks of being married it turned out that he was a wife abuser. Soon our problems escalated until he tried to kill me, leaving me with head wounds, battered ribs and injuries.
I was in my twenties at the time, and going to a very strict church. I was the Junior High Youth Group Ministry Leader. The Church forbid me to get a divorce and threatened me that if I were to go ahead with the divorce, they would kick me out of the Church and dismantle the ministry. I was horrified and felt like everything was all my fault for not seeing this side of him ahead of time. I worried that the church kids were depending on me, and because of them I had no choice but to stay married. At the same time, I couldn’t help but feel strongly that this was the wrong message to send to these kids and my own two kids at home that this behavior was to be tolerated. I couldn’t seem to solve the puzzle for myself. I procrastinated getting the divorce, but didn’t let him come home either. My life hung in limbo for over a year while I sunk into a pit of depression and despair that to me- began to feel that life wasn’t worth living for.
Even our worst behaviors fulfill a need in us or express our desires. When you threw yourself that pity party, what did you hope to gain? What need did you fulfill?
I didn’t realize it at the time, not for at least a year and much therapy later, but what I hoped to gain was permission from the church and acceptance from others to see things my way. I kept going back to the bible and studying and studying and talking to every religious person I could find and telling them my story to seek justification for what I knew in my heart to be the right decision for me.
I wouldn’t let myself pull the trigger on the divorce. I kept procrastinating and delaying because I wanted approval and permission that was never going to come. But I thought if I pushed and argued enough, I could change their minds. I had to get enough courage and strength in my own beliefs to do what I believed was right, even when I stood alone and risked loosing everything.
Tell us what you did to break up the pity part. What actions did you decide to take? Did someone help you buoy your spirits? Push you along?
At the bleakest moment when I was completely worn down, my mother picked up the phone and called a therapist and made an appointment and I agreed to go. I remember going in there with all of my notes and my bible all ready to plead my case and he just said, “Put that all away. You have nothing to prove to anyone.” and I just started to cry like a baby.
Can you look back on that moment and tell us how you felt when you did decide to take action? What results came about from your decision to take charge and move on?
I felt free. It was the beginning of slowly building back my self-esteem. Of beginning to believe that I had the right as a woman, and as a human being to live equally among everyone else without justification or the need for permission for how I feel. I filed for divorce within the month. The church did in fact kick me out and I lost the youth group. But I decided those kids were better off not learning what they had to teach anyway. I let it go. I moved on. I got healthy.
Everyone has a Someday problem hiding deep inside, even little ones. What variety of the Someday Syndrome do you currently harbor? What would you like to achieve but haven’t yet?
I don’t know if mine is very deeply hidden! Or very little! If I am not constantly working on it, I am a victim of “I’ll just do that tomorrow.” Which is a slippery version of “ I’ll get around to it someday. “ Except, tomorrow doesn’t come and before you know it…. Ooops! SOMEDAY!!! The biggest reason I have that problem is that I tend to schedule more in a day than a day can handle and I either run out of day or run out of energy before the list is done.
Examining your Someday Syndrome problem, what are you currently doing to resolve it and eliminate it from your life?
For me, the best strategies are threefold. When I am at my best it is because I am implementing three things
Many people suffer the same problems you do. You’re not alone, and neither are they. What would you tell people in your situation right now to help them avoid what you’re going through?
I would tell them to implement the strategies that I have outlined above as well as consider getting someone to be accountable to each day. It really makes a difference to have someone that you know is going to check up on you and hold you accountable to your goals and promises.
If you could ask for one thing, right now, to help you overcome your Someday Syndrome, what type of help would you ask for?
I think that what helps me the most is having someone to be accountable to and someone to bounce my ideas off of and to keep me in check with my goals and my timelines. My husband is a great Accountability Partner for me in that regard. I have a tendency to be very ambitious and he is a great modifier and reality check for all of my great dreams and plans! He is exactly what I needed to balance me out!
25 Responses to “Waiting for permission: Wendi Kelly interview”
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Hi Alex and Wendi,
Great interview Alex!
Wendi, it’s nice to see you here, and learn more about your “story”. You have been very open and honest. And that speaks volumes to the type of person you are. Thank you for this. For showing the real Wendi. And how you’ve become who you are today. It all helps me, as I look at my life, remember what is truly important in life.
This is an incredible story of recovery and hope!
I do have a niggle with the term ‘pity party’, though. Perhaps because I’ve suffered from depression and the term makes me feel as though it’s somehow unacceptable or bad to experience a deep, dark reaction to going through real pain. I’d have said a ‘pity party’ was somebody wallowing without cause or need, but it seems that what Wendi was going through was a perfectly normal and natural reaction to extremely stressful circumstances.
I don’t want to start a fight - I do so love these interviews. Just that I have this reaction to the phrase ‘pity party.’
Joely Black (@TheCharmQuark on Twitter)´s last blog post..A post about the benefits of giving myself the permission to f*ck up
Alex,
Thank you again for interviewing me. again, like I mentioned in my e-mail, it’s a tough story to tell and not one I mention often, but if it helps one person realize that they do have the power to choose and not wait for others to give them permission to live the kind of life they want or dream of…then good…I will consider my time spent in *hell* to have been worth it.
Wendi Kelly- Life’s little Inspirations´s last blog post..Inspired Movies
Wendi, you took action when it was exactly the right time for you. There’s procrastination, then there are those overwhelming life situations that have their own process. So many factors involved in your situation, not a simple item on your to-do list or goal that was being procrastinated. Taking your power back is an ongoing process. Thank you for sharing your story so honestly.
As for a pity party…there’s a place for that. It’s helpful and healing in its own way. It can also leave you in the drama instead of making your way out of it. There’s the expression and catharsis of raw emotions, then there’s the healing and empowerment out of the circumstances and personal patterns that are linked to the pity party.
Pamir | Reiki Help Blog´s last blog post..The business of Practical Enlightenment
Wendi & Alex,
Great interview and great discussion so far.
(As Wendi knows) I am pretty similar to her in that my brain seems to have an “idea fever” and I can either jump around a lot or put too much on the plate.
I can fix this by writing it all down somewhere, and picking just a few things to do (even though sometimes I still pick too many!)
I guess, at the end of it I’m still pretty pleased because I see people who have a lot less going on who want to do some thing or another, and I’m still able to move ahead.
Brett Legree´s last blog post..a perfect storm.
Wendi, your story of trying to find someone to give you permission really spoke to me. Thank you for sharing it!
In my own life, I can see (now, not then) how the stronger the “adversary” and the more I thought I had to fight to get their permission… the more I stopped trusting myself and felt smaller. I too wish that breakthru of not needing permission would have come sooner (and I wish that I didn’t occasionally sink back into needing it).
I’ve found nourishing routines are really key for me, too, though they’re often the first thing I let go of when I start to get stressed… I suppose it’s always a journey, and really appreciate this glimpse into yours.
Jessica @ThriveYourTribe´s last blog post..Have You Been Lead to Believe These Loathsome Publishing Lies?
Wonderful interview, thank you for sharing your story Wendi. One phrase stands out - I let go. I moved on. I got healthy. A challenging thing for so many people - your story can certainly help so many people who are stuck.
Joely mentions hope in the comment and I agree. When I saw Milk the movie ended with a phrase “You gotta give them hope.” And you have.
@Jessica,
I wanted to mention that I also have caught myself again from time to time trying to justify my beliefs or actions- on much smaller things- but due to this experience ( and therapy) and journaling, I am usually able to catch myself pretty quickly when I start to feel defensive or “little and diminshed inside”and then I remember my mantra, “I have the power to choose” and I get myself back again. It’s always a process….
Wendi Kelly- Life’s little Inspirations´s last blog post..Inspired Movies
Wendi, I am glad that you are alive to tell this story, and bless you for your openness, and honesty. I hate that you lived through that time but so glad you emerged stronger and no longer seeking external validation. You are a tremendous positive force in the lives of so many.
Alex, you are so wonderful to share these wonderful people with us. I never fail to learn a lesson or to get energized around my own growth when I come here. Thank you.
Karen Swim´s last blog post..5 Common Problems of Ailing Businesses
Having previously been an extended family member of Wendi’s I knew of some of the issues that she had but not all.
Had I known I would have taken her to my pastor who showed Biblically that you do not need to stay married if the spouse is
abusive. We had a seminar on that and it might have helped.
I have an even bigger respect for her ability to inspire having heard more of her story.
Nice interview Alex. Thank you for letting me see more of my “extended family” member than I previously knew.
Nice interview Wendi. You answered those
questions very well.
Alex,
Oh, boy do you choose fine interviewees. It’s totally amazing to me that they are never the same thing twice. Thanks for interviewing Wendi!
Wendi,
Oh, how hard this one was to read. I remember too well those dark days of waiting for permission and acceptance. Turns out for me at least, permitting myself to move on was the hardest step of all.
Thank goodness for your mom, and for the therapist’s wisdom, to start you on your path to freedom. And thank you for sharing today.
Regards,
Kelly
Kelly´s last blog post..Tip of the Week: Be Portable
Hey… I’m glad I have you as a friend. Good on you.
James Chartrand - Men with Pens´s last blog post..Putting the “Social” Back Into Social Networking
Wendi,
I’ve always thought of you, for as long as I’ve known you, as a strong and determined woman. I think pity parties (or, rather, time to acknowledge your situation) are natural, understandable, and not necessarily things we need to feel guilty about. It’s how we handle them, how long we foster them, that’s more important.
And after all you went through, I’m so happy your marriage now is the complete opposite of your first one!
Alex: Thanks for giving voice to others here: It helps to read how they deal with the variations of Someday Syndrome.
steph´s last blog post..A Year of Pleasures
Hi Alex and Wendi -
What a great story. Wendi, as I was reading the part where you were being abused and felt trapped, I had tears in my eyes. I know you as such a kind and gentle soul, I can’t imagine someone not treating you with respect. It sounds like you have a great husband now who loves and supports you very much.
Reading your words, I sensed they must have been hard to write. But like you said, if they can help someone else, it’s worth it, Thank you for being so brave and sharing.
Barbara Swafford´s last blog post..How To Lose Blog Visitors
@Lance
I’m always pleasantly surprised how open people are on the blog. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy that I’m able to offer people such a safe place.
@Joely
Yes, pity party does have a negative connotation normally. I use it for its strength but I believe that some pity parties are necessary and healthy. For example, Wendi’s situation truly sucked and the pity party was fully warranted. Staying there wasn’t however, and fortunately Wendi did pull herself out of it.
@Wendi
That’s why I like to interview such a wide range of people - everyone’s experiences help different types of readers.
@Pamir
Thanks for the comment - you’ve hit on exactly why I do these interviews and why I use the words I do. Woo hoo!
@Brett
I’ve learned to ignore the idea fever. I’ve learned that when I want an idea, I can sit down and conjure one up (It’s my Writing Superpower). Saves a lot on the feelings of “gotta write this down, gotta write this down”
@Jessica
I’m so like you. I tend to have two reactions to authority: F*ck you! or Please approve of me! I’m learning to listen to me and only me and ignore outside judgments.
@Stacey
That’s totally the heart of the matter, isn’t it? Wendi let go. She didn’t need the emotional clutter anymore and chucked it.
@Karen
Just wait until the lessons people will learn from your interview!
@ibirish
It’s amazing the things we don’t know about those around us, eh? And even more amazing is the respect we gain for them we do learn more.
@Kelly
The choices are easy - I have such interesting people surrounding me. I can’t help but choose great interviews!
@James
We’re all lucky that way, aren’t we?
@Steph
We’ve all thrown ourselves pity parties for whatever reasons and as you say, it’s how we handle them that really matters.
@Barbara
I’m with you completely on having a hard time reading the interview. It was a super-powerful one and I’m honoured that Wendi chose to share these experiences with us all on this blog.
@Alex,
That’s a good way to do it too - the main thing is to use what works. Sometimes my ideas are much more involved than can be ignored, so the best way for me to get on with what I’m doing is just to capture the idea on paper (takes 2 minutes) and then I’m at ease again!
(Example - on my way to work last week I developed in my head a unique product that could be used to boost a dead car battery, totally foolproof - whether it ever goes anywhere, who knows? But at least I’ve got it down on paper!)
But for simpler stuff (a blog post idea, for example) - yeah, 30 seconds of thought and I’m there.
Brett Legree´s last blog post..a perfect storm.
Alex, people are honest and open here, but that has everything to do with their host. Consistent, great job.
Wendi, it was a pleasure to know more about you, even if those things were grim. Thanks for your honesty. I’m glad to see everything turned out well.
Writer Dad´s last blog post..Reading Online, Chew Before You Swallow
Alex, Another interesting interview. Thanks
Wendi, Thank you for sharing a difficult story. I have also had a “waiting for permission from the church” experience. I too ended up letting go, moving on and getting well. I’m glad you are here to tell the story.
Carolyn Caldwell´s last blog post..Client Questions - Am I Alone?
[...] Waiting for permission: Wendi Kelly interview at Someday Syndrome [...]
@Brett
If I had practical ideas like that, I’d definitely write them down as they came. My ideas are more random ethereal thoughts that could never be applied to real-world practicalities like car batteries.
@Sean
Oh wow, thank you!
@Carolyn
I wonder how many other people have shared similar experiences with the church or other organized groups, eh?
@Alex,
Don’t be surprised… and never say never
Brett Legree´s last blog post..viking fridays - turn the spell.
@Carolyn
I know there are many of us out there, who have had these experiences of waiting for permission at the hands of the church, for the very reason that I was in, or for reasons of their own. I am sorry that you have had to, and I’m glad that you also were able to move on.
@A note to all
Since this interview came out, I have gotten e-mails from other people with other stories that they haven’t wished to mention publicly and other words of comfort and support. Some of them also wanted to mention that God is not the church and that is true too. And NOT ALL CHURCHES ARE THE SAME. And I think it is very important that I stress that and I should have the first time.
The end of the story is I now go to a church that I am very active in and have a great time at, although my relationship is with God, and the church is where I go for fellowship and to use the gifts he gave me. I don’t go there for permissiion and that is the difference. I haven’t given up on church. I have just figured out WHO I follow.
@ibirish
you goof.. what’s with the “ex-extended..family member crap? You are always going to be my family till they take me to heaven, You are never getting rid of me. I never want to hear that come out of your mouth again girl… Love ya!…and thanks.
Kelly,
I thought about you when I was writing it. Sorry if it was hard. It was hard to go through it again, even to get it down…but for some reason…maybe someone out there needed to know it’s OK to let go.
Wendi Kelly- Life’s little Inspirations´s last blog post..Field Trip
Wendi,
Hard, but in a beautiful way. So glad to read it.
You know, I really believe there’s a little obligation to share the secret handshake when possible. It’s the secret that shouldn’t exist. The handshake (or hug!) is just what folks need.
Until later,
Kelly
Kelly, I suspect there are many of us. I am relieved to know that your relationship with God is intact and that you have found a place of fellowship that is healthy. My experience with an organized religion was actually a work experience. Woof! That was really hard because, like you, everyone around me saw the world diferently. Rest assured I too have a place of worship that is healthy and thriving - and I now work for myself!
Carolyn Caldwell´s last blog post..Shopping Addictions
@Brett
Fine, so I’ll say the statistical chances are highly slim. How’s that?
@Wendi, @Kelly, @Carolyn
I’ll leave the three of you to have this conversation as (other than weddings and funerals) I’ve probably been inside a church for a service maybe 10 times in my life.