This week’s guest post is from Joely Black (aka TheCharmQuark)
This is a story about a conversation. A conversation that I didn’t want to have. Everybody has to have conversations like these, the ones where you need to say something to somebody, or to announce a decision, or make some kind of declaration. In my case, it was a decision I’d made that radically changed everything between myself and somebody else.
Suffice to say that there are times when having a very active imagination plays completely against you. I had been in the process of making this decision for a month, and so uneasy that I even asked advice about it - something unusual for me. It took days for me just to work up the courage to finally, unequivocally, decide that this was what I was going to do. I normally think of myself as somebody who makes decisions instantly and, well, decisively. On this occasion it took a month of talking the ears of everybody who would listen (and a fair few who wouldn’t) about the problem.
I was procrastinating. Hedging my bets. In my mind, difficult and scary conversations start with “I want to…” and end with somebody shooting the other person in some outrageous Godfather-esque drama. This suggests I shouldn’t watch so many gangster movies. In my head, I was considering how the other person’s partner might come to hear of the conversation, how they would send me vicious emails, write terrible things about me online and thus destroy my life in numerous - and highly unlikely - ways. Years ahead, people would taunt me in the street for being so cruel and vindictive and generally evil.
Obviously, I seem to imagine these conversations as operating very much like a soap opera. Nobody has a straight forward conversation in a soap opera, or a movie. Everybody is always slamming doors and sucking hard on long cigarettes, declaiming, “Yes, but I never would have married you if it wasn’t for that chicken!” before flouncing out of the room, moving to Brazil and becoming a lens-grinder.
It doesn’t help that I’m a writer, and if I wrote books where people said, “Yeah, that’s fine,” all the time we’d never have any drama. Of course, there’s a time and a place for it, and Tuesday morning wasn’t the time or the place. It all started on Monday, of course. I paced up and down, I planned what I would say. I went over people’s blogs about How To Have Awkward Conversations Without Somebody Ending Up Dead. Finally, with trembling fingers, I picked up the phone. Put in the number. Watched the screen as it flashed up the message “Calling…”
No answer.
Outrageous! How could this be? How could this person not know how desperately important it was for me to speak to them right at that moment? Is he not psychic?
Fretting, I went shopping. My whole life on hold for this one conversation. Once again trying to find a way to say a few words without actually causing the whole of reality to implode into a boiling mass of quarks and gluons. I tried the number again. Still no answer. Nothing. Nada.
I had to wait until Tuesday. I furiously read blogs again, took deep breaths and did all the things I was supposed to do. Picked up the phone. Heard the dial tone. At this point, my heart leaped nervously into my throat and I thought I might not even be able to speak. Words fell out of my head. I choked on organs that had apparently decided to relocate themselves for the occasion.
“Hello?” came the voice. Oh! The dreaded voice.
I opened my mouth. We chatted. We talked about Christmas and New Year and how difficult things are right now. And then I said it. I explained the decision. Nobody died. Nobody even needed to be taken to hospital. It emerged from the conversation that I had made the perfect decision for both of us. Not a single tear was shed as we discussed what had happened over the past year, and my coming to this conclusion.
It was a great conversation, and my build up to it taught me that I can trust people not to react melodramatically when I make decisions, or have announcements to make that affect them. All of the horror was imaginary, after all. A valuable lesson indeed.
Isabel Joely Black is the writer of the Amnar series of books, which are currently being produced as a podcast at www.joelyblack.net. Joely’s working on getting a publishing deal and maintains a blog at http://isabeljoelyblack.wordpress.com. You can follow her on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/TheCharmQuark.
5 Responses to “Don’t be scared of confrontation”
Leave a Reply
Please join in the conversation and leave a comment - I’d love to hear from you!
var gaJsHost = (("https:" == document.location.protocol) ? "https://ssl." : "http://www.");
document.write(unescape("%3Cscript src='" + gaJsHost + "google-analytics.com/ga.js' type='text/javascript'%3E%3C/script%3E"));
I am writing about conflict right now and emotions myself….this would be a nice piece to link back to my blog and give it an anecdotal connection?
I have had a number of folks tell me they did not want to be my friend over the years - it hurts, but now I just expect it - the parents of my children’s friends never wanted to be friends.
Always take a good book on a field trip, I always say.
Glad it turned out well. I will need to go and check out your links
Thank you for sharing.
Patricia´s last blog post..I Needs
Thanks for this post. I was really glad to hear about what you discovered. I can see you going through the world with more trust and willingness to let go of pleasing or managing others, and that feels great to me. Best, CE
Chris Edgar | Purpose Power Coaching´s last blog post..Guest Article At The Positivity Blog: “How To Get Comfortable With An Empty Mind”
@Patricia
Yes, link away! The more inter-web connections, the better for all. And I agree that it’s hard to connect in person sometimes - people are often very closed to new friendships which is kind of sad, no?
@Chris
Pleasing others… oh dear what a topic! I’ve always been very bad with this, usually making things worse by trying to please rather than being myself.
Joely,
I like it. The only melodrama was your own. A very cool lesson.
Like you, I’ll play out entire scenes in my head, and I never quite learn that the only guarantee is that it won’t go the way I imagine. I’m constantly having to ask myself what’s the worst that could happen so I can just get on with it, with less imagining of 28 possible scenarios.
Alex,
Cool subject. I can definitely relate to I’ll Get Around to That Conversation Someday—nice to see someone else tackle it without major shockwaves!
Regards,
Kelly
Kelly´s last blog post..Inspiration Points: Please, Please Me
@Kelly
I’m terrible at confrontation of any sort. It makes me want to be sick, but not being upfront and honest with most people ends up causing more problems later, which is the exact thing I don’t want to happen, so I’ve learned to suck it up and deal with it.