Continuing this week’s examination of fear, I asked the four Lab Rats to look at their own fears.
In evolutionary terms, fear serves a good purpose – it reminds us to run when we face danger or a difficult coping situation. Fear tells us to run when we’re facing a hungry lion with no weapon at hand.
Unfortunately, we also create false fears for ourselves, and they have nothing to do with survival. They actually block us.
Our imaginations are great at creating the future for us. Often, that future looks bleak and dark and full of monsters waiting to drag us down and devour us.
Our bodies don’t know the difference between real and false fears. Fear is fear. It creates the same fight-or-flight reaction, which could include getting angry at ourselves, at another person or at the world in general, developing self-sabotaging behaviors and habits, or not trusting in and second-guessing our decisions.
To take the power back from these false fears, we need to name them. Then we dismiss them.
Let’s start with the naming part.
Barb’s fears: (Glad to have Barb back! Her sons were home last week and so she had no Internet time, of course 
)
Jim’s fears: (Jim discovered something new this past week and his dream has accordingly changed – he’s realized that his real dream is to become a singer/songwriter and here are the fears that go along with it)
Cat’s fears: (Cat and I talked and decided to take a step back from the specific of organizing her office and talk more generally about her fear of finishing – or even starting – new things)
Brett’s fears: (Brett’s fears refused to be pinned down at first and he really struggled to figure out the answers)
Basically everyone’s fears can be distilled down to:
Now let’s take a look at what people did to remove the power their fears held over them.
Cat’s fears are hard for her to counter because they involve a fear of deciding what to dream about. Unlike the other three Lab Rats, Cat hasn’t figured out what passion could drive her forward. Painful comfort is still preferable to (a potentially) happy discomfort. That’s okay. It doesn’t all have to happen at once on schedule according to these lessons.
I think Cat’s done a great job already by really getting into the examination of fear and this examination will keep buzzing around her head until she’s ready to let go of the fear and she’ll allow the dreams that she’s hiding deep inside to come shining through. I lived this way for 25 years and while often painful, my world never actually ended.
Jim realized that he’s going to fail, over and over. That’s the nature of being an artist. You keep failing until you get it right – that’s how artists learn.
Barb removed the fear of failing by following her spouse’s advice and only biting into a small piece of the pie – she’s going to look into taking just one course that really excites her. She doesn’t need to take the whole degree all at once. As for a home in the city, she and her spouse have started looking at listings – nothing more, just looking.
Brett uses his wife and daughter as motivation to ignore the fear. Yes he might mess up, but his family at least deserves that he give it a try rather than sitting on the couch not doing anything. They deserve to have a husband/father who is fully engaged in life.
I love how Brett has taken the fear of rejection and turned it around. He’s using the fear of disappointment from his loved ones to motivate him past his other fears. We can move forward in two ways: letting our desires pull us or our fears push us. In this instance Brett’s chosen the second one until momentum takes over and his desire to finish pulls him across the finish line.
A part of Jim’s journey is learning not to worry about what other people think. He loves his music and finds himself tearful when he lets himself just flow into his compositions. That’s enough for him. This enjoyment provides the confidence to ignore other people’s acceptances or rejections. And once he’s practiced this attitude more, it’ll spill over into other areas of his life too.
Again, by chopping her dreams into small pieces and dealing with them one at a time, Barb has removed the need for outside acceptance. She’s not risking anyone’s future by her small actions. No one will judge her for what she’s doing and if they do, that’s not her problem – it’s theirs.
Jim, Barb and Brett all have people depending on them to spend their money wisely. Jim, however, has acknowledged that he’d be willing to take a cut in earnings to be happier doing what he loves. Barb’s money fears also vanish when she moves forward piece by piece rather than all at once, and Brett can do the same, dividing up his projects into bite-size pieces that will only consume what the family can afford in the moment – it doesn’t all need to get done all at once.
How do you deal with your fear of failure, rejection and poverty so that it doesn’t stop you from moving forward with your dreams?
13 Responses to “Failure, Rejection and Poverty: Lab Rats Week 4”
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Isn’t that interesting, I’m in the middle of a blog post on Fears and how our minds believe them, true or otherwise! Great timing Alex!
I’m not sure how old Barb is, however I can tell you from a 40yo that Adult Education rocks! Truly! It’s absolutely fantastic to be going back to school because you choose to and because you’re doing a topic that you’re interested in. We have a woman in our language class who is 56, and she’s doing great.
That’s really cool that Jim has realised he had the wrong dream and has changed it. Sometimes that fear of change and what-will-people-think can stop a person from making the change.
Looking forward to next week’s installment already!
Melinda´s last blog post..Monthly Book Giveaway - “Purple Cow” and “The Dip” by Seth Godin
Super post today. It is nice to see the practical steps that the lab rats are taking to get over their fears. Most stuff that you read don’t talk about the practical work that can be done and how it affects the people involved.
Kudos!
Jacki Hollywood Brown´s last blog post..PMQs & CFHA
Nice work guiding the lab rats to their powerful realizations. As I personally evolve and stay with my fears for briefer and briefer bits of time I realize more and more that they are all self-created. This sounds obvious but it’s so very true and this understanding can be a shortcut to getting on with life. We fear the thought of the fear more than the fear itself. So if we can choose just a little bit higher thought and move up from there - the fears are no more.
Tom Volkar / Delightful Work´s last blog post..Creative Consciousness Strategy
The fear issue speaks to me so much! Fear of failure and of success, of ridicule and rejection, of never being good enough, all of them are holding me back from my dream. I really identify with Cat’s fears and her issue about finishing too. I have learned, though, that it’s not necessary to finish everything. My dream is to be a studio textile artist and I have MANY unfinished projects but I have realised that if it no longer serves a purpose, there’s no point wasting precious time on it. Of couse, this doesn’t count for work but in the pursuit of a dream, not everything is relevant, some turn out to be red herrings.
My greatest fear is that if I don’t keep pushing and pushing, I will die.
I let go of my drive this week, and gave up on the Doctor’s approach and am going back to eating and exercising on my own. I had to sit with the fear all day today to think it through and just to be still. Tomorrow I will begin a new plan.
I also really want to write this book and although a few folks are writing to the writer’s contests the trickle in is too slow to not bring up some fear in me.
Very good post today…just met my needs. Thank you
Patricia´s last blog post..Heeheehee!
Great post on overcoming fears. I am working on my own fears to overcome. Thanks for the helpful article.
Interestingly, fear of poverty is a big one for me. It kept me in a very bad relationship for a very long time, because I thought I needed that second income. Turns out I didn’t! So, to answer your question about this holding back a current dream? To take a year off to write a book. My gut reaction is ‘that will never happen; I can’t afford it’. Actually, yes I can. Not today. Not in the next couple of years. But certainly in the next 10 years. I could do it sooner, but I CHOOSE to put my money first into renovating our house. Then I will choose to put the money into saving for a year’s leave from work. All good!
Urban Panther´s last blog post..Conversations
@Patricia - hey, I submitted a story!
Urban Panther´s last blog post..Conversations
Urban Panther - your story was the first and now I have a second. I am beginning to think if you wrote for each contest you might win the whole amount? I am trying not to worry about it because I have two due dates quite long submission times…..while I work on book outlines, drafts and the actual grant proposal…All three judges loved your story - FYI, but then maybe Alex and Writer Dad really will submit too?
I did just get the fliers up at U of Michigan and Antioch so I might get some more writers…
I loved your story. Thank you
Patricia´s last blog post..Dissonant Chord
@Patricia - I probably could write to all three!
Not that I want the compettion (selfish smile), but I do hope you get more submissions to help make your book a success.
Urban Panther´s last blog post..Conversations
@Urban Panther,
I just discovered I can not get your Lair to stay posted on my google reader page? It is there and then I go back and it is gone? I am sorry I missed reading all your new stuff.
Well, we can just keep on communicating here!
If I don’t get submissions enough I will just go forth and start interviewing people and have them sign permission slips to use their story on the blog and in the book?
Patricia´s last blog post..Dissonant Chord
I might spend the rest of the day thinking about this post and some of the meaningful questions that it presents. I’m always trying to push past my unrealistic fears, especially fears that are linked to my writing projects (gotta get that novel finished!).
Melissa Donovan´s last blog post..18 Do-it-Yourself Proofreading Tips
@Melinda
I love when the blogosphere offers up connections like that. So many of us seem to deal with the same issues at the same time - like some great subconscious classroom.
I also agree that it’s never too late to go back to school. My grandmother’s cousin took university courses right up into her 90s.
@Jacki
I’m all about the practical. If you don’t *do* something about your fears then you’re just procrastinating.
@Tom
Thanks! I have a deck of cards call the Faerie Oracle and the card that represents fear is the most painting-like (ie most unreal) card - reminding us that we paint/create our fears ourselves most of the time.
@jam
That’s very true - not everything does need to be finished. Some projects are useful for the process but the ending isn’t important. Once you’ve learned what you need to, you can stop. As long as you don’t do that with every project.
@Patricia
You really opened yourself up to fear by putting up a request for submissions - it’s a hard thing to do but worth it in the end (btw, I have the article on my list of things to write - I will get it to you!).
@Antonio
Thanks for stopping by the blog. I’m glad I could offer some assistance!
@UP
Yay for conscious choices! (And yay for getting out of that relationship and finding the Lion!)
@Melissa
I create such silly fears around my novel that sometimes it’s all I can do to open up the file without wanting to run away and hide in a dark corner somewhere.