Self-Induced Anger
Saturday night started with a glass of light port on ice then we toasted our anniversary with a glass of Cava Rosada and just before we left to go dancing, we threw back a shot of peach whiskey. A recipe for a fun night, surely.
Not quite so. My mood started out great. After all we were celebrating our one year anniversary and going to San Sebastian’s Pride Party (where we met last year). A good friend and his new boyfriend had come over to celebrate with us. As we sat down to eat, however, I felt that Raul’s attitude had changed. He had started to make little digs at me – insulting my lack of Spanish, ordering me about and getting snarky when I pushed back at his orders.
Arriving at the party, I decided all I wanted to do was dance. Otherwise I wanted to be left alone. As much as I knew Raul wanted to be affectionate, I could barely tolerate his touch – it forced me out of my private dancing world. Also, as people moved about the dance floor, they kept banging into me, jarring me further out of my world and disrespecting my right to dance uninterrupted!
I tried to ignore them, tried to have fun shaking my booty to the beat, but as person after person pushed past me, my shoulders cramped and my spine creaked like an unoiled bike chain. How dare they bother me! I was here to have fun, not to get pushed around by a bunch of drunken idiots with no respect for personal space!
At the point just before I retreated to a corner where the walls would have protected at least two sides of me, I realized that it wasn’t the party-goers nor was it Raul. It was me. I was in a FOUL mood which fortunately was beginning to fade, letting sanity return.
I grabbed Raul, gave him a huge kiss and said (in Spanish of course): "I don’t like alcohol. It puts me in a bad mood." I then spent the rest of the night overcoming this chemically produced anger through sheer willpower.
Someday Lessons:
- If the entire world seems lined up against you, check your attitude – maybe it’s just a case of a twisted perception.
- Being self-aware doesn’t just mean aware of your mind – it includes your body too.
Manifesto for World Domination
Thanks to Sandie at Geeked Off, I just discovered the Art of Nonconformity and read Chris’ manifesto for world domination. In it he says:
True Success: Contrary to what you may hear from the latest self-help book, true success does not come from passive visualization or wishful thinking. It takes action, planning, and sacrifice. Like surfer-turned-songwriter Jack Johnson says in one of his coolest songs, “Don’t let your dreams be dreams.” Make them real.
This man is super cool (and not just because he quotes the sexy Jack Johnson). He knows what he’s talking about. He has never lived a conventional life. He’s always made conscious decisions about everything, and he’s figured out how to mix selfish personal goals with unselfish giving back to the world.
I’m not going to quote more, although I could rave on and on about his easy-to-read writing style, his enthusiasm, his use of specific examples, the way he… oh wait, I said I wouldn’t rave.
Just go visit his site and read the (free) manifesto – now. Seriously. Go.
Someday Lessons:
- When you find something you like, spread the news and let others share in the fun.
- Enthusiasm is contagious.
My Memoir
My sister tagged me:
Write a six-word memoir. Post it to your blog including a visual illustration if you would like. Link to the person who tagged you in your post and to this original post if possible so we can track it as it travels across the blogsphere . Tag 5 more blogs with links . Don’t forget to leave a comment in the tagged blogs with an invitation to play.
My Memoir
Someday writer?
No more.
Living it!
Who I’m tagging…
- David Bridger - because he’s a fellow writer who shares my love of Doctor Who.
- From the Desk of Janet Barclay - because she’s so efficient I’m certain she can easily achieve the six word limit.
- Elephant & Monkey - because I’d love to see the "teen personal development" POV on this.
- Tales from the Middle - because my sister included a family member in her list.
- Geeked Off - because she recently gave me such a great compliment and I love compliments.
Tips for Making Change Stick
As promised last week, here’s the sixth and final installment in my series on making a profound and lasting change in my life. Of course, the actual process of change has just begun, but it seems to be going well and I’m happy with the initial results. We’ll see how it goes as I get further into editing not just my current novel, but future projects.
In Tina Su’s blog post on the topic, she gives us five tips for making the change happen more easily. They are:
- Focus on just one
- Mutual Support
- Understand Why
- Be Inspired
- Reward & Celebration
These are all things I try to do in all areas of my life. The only one I’m not so good at is the first. Being the sort of person who gets distracted by shiny objects, focusing on just one task gets really boring. Often I have a million projects started but not finished. Over the last year, however, I’ve really worked at paring down and most recently only have a few projects on the go at any one time.
I get my support and inspiration from my writers’ website, Forward Motion, where I put up weekly goals and comment on my daily progress and the daily progress of others. Even when I feel I’ve had an unproductive day, someone provides me with the words to keep me going and to excite me enough to want to get productive again.
As someone who over-analyzes everything, I understand the why for all that I do – sometimes too well. I’ve learned to back off a bit on the analyzing and to just accept things at face value, and that includes reasons for wanting to change. For example, with my current goal of wanting to be better at focusing on the details in my writing while keeping the big picture in mind, it’s enough to know that this will improve my chances to get published. I don’t need to explore why I either see the whole forest or the bark of one tree; that’s irrelevant to achieving the change.
Finally, the rewards and celebrations – again my writers’ website provides a lot of that, but the biggest reward in this instance is rereading my writing and seeing how much better it is when I pay attention to both the details and the big picture.
Anyone out there have any other tips on making change stick? What helps you achieve an alteration in habits?
Someday Lessons:
- Know thyself – change will stick only by chance if you’re not self-aware.
- Be willing to ask for help when you need it (yes, I’ve said this before but it can’t be repeated too often).
Someday I’ll Be Rich
In a fit of procrastination (this being Tuesday), I wrote down my "Somedays." I included only things about which I was passionate and came up with ten. In looking at them more carefully, I discovered that I had repeated myself five times. Of the five that remained, numbers two and three were a subset of number one, giving me in reality only three "Somedays" that I have not yet realized.
My relationships are awesome (romantic, family and friends – including a one year anniversary with Raul as of yesterday). I love where I live (even if it’s only 225sq ft) and although my health isn’t perfect, I know how to manage it and am content with that. "Someday" number two (learning Spanish and Basque) is well underway and number three is very personal but also moving forward. I don’t have to actively pursue these – they will happen with patience and time.
"Someday" number one, however, is totally up in the air – and it’s one many people worry/dream about: money. Someday my fiction and non-fiction writing will create enough income to support me at my chosen level of lifestyle through retirement. I work on this "Someday" daily, but I have little or no guarantee that anything will come from the effort I put in.
I can only continue to plug away at it, learn all that I can about writing and the publishing world, and maintain patience and perseverance.
Someday Lessons:
- How many areas of your life (relationships, finance, romance and health) have "Somedays" hanging over them?
- What are you doing to actively remove the word Someday from these areas of your life?
Recording My Progress
(Part 5 in a series where I’m working on creating a profound and lasting change)
The final step in the process of creating change that lasts is to write it down. I already do this every day through my online writing group. At the beginning of each week we tell others about our goals and then comment on what we’ve done each day.
Next week I will look at the five other tips Tina mentions in her blog post. This weekend, however, I won’t think about my writing at all as we’re heading down to Girona province (near Barcelona) for a wedding (and finally the weather has turned hot and sunny!)
Someday Lessons:
- Sometimes what you’re already doing will dovetail nicely with what you want to be doing.
- Progress is best made when you take time off as well.
Living Change Now
(Part 4 in a series of creating profound and lasting change)
Today I started living the new reality, as if I have already achieved my goal. Therefore, when editing my novel today, I focused on the words, on every detail in the text, but while doing so I kept asking "so what?" The "so what?" refers to the big picture – what does this particular detail have to do with the big picture? I cut out so much text and rewrote a whole bunch other.
The one thing I need to do still, however, is articulate the big picture – actually two big pictures, the novel big picture and the chapter big picture. I know this story deep in my bones, having worked on it for 18 months now, but I want to put it in clear writing.
I don’t look forward to that though. As my sister said in a comment yesterday – we’re divers, not lookers. I know in the long run I will improve my book for doing this exercise before I continue editing, but it doesn’t produce a word count and doesn’t produce any immediate progress.
However, as I said Tuesday, I’ve committed to the process and the change, so tomorrow morning before I start editing the next chapter, I’ll write down all the pieces of the big picture. It’s like hanging a shelf – you can hang it without prepping, and end up making a mess of the wall, or you can get all your tools lined up, beforehand, measure a couple of times, and hang the shelf with ease.
Someday Lessons:
- Prep work, while it might not look productive, makes later work easier and faster.
- Make sure your prep work is just that – preparation, not procrastination. It’s easy to turn planning into a technique to avoid doing.
Crafting a New Reality
(Part 3 in my desire to make a profound and lasting change in my life)
I’ve mentioned before (a couple of times) how discussing my goals can derail achieving them. With my current goal – to pay more attention to details in my writing – I have another challenge. Unfortunately, this goal is a bit abstract. It’s not like saying "I want to eat more vegetables." That one is measurable. A new reality for this goal might look like: "I will eat two servings of fruits or vegetables with each meal." I can picture that outcome; it’s concrete.
But how will I know when I’ve achieved my current goal? Yesterday when describing the problem, I said that that I’m a big picture or small detail type, nowhere in between. The obvious goal would be finding the balance, of holding the big picture in my mind while examining the details, however I have no idea how to measure that.
Not having ever experienced this state of balance before, I’m turning to you for help – how will I know I’ve achieved this goal when it’s not directly measurable?
Someday Lessons:
- Admit when you don’t something and ask for help.
- Trial and error sometimes is the only way to figure out a workable solution to a problem.
Using today’s trial and error method. Here’s a go at crafting a new reality for my goal…
Trying Something New
As part of my goal to put more focus on the details in my writing, I’m using Tina Su’s blog post on profound and lasting changes as my method of change.
The first step is to articulate a reality, that is to state the thing I would like to change, to describe it with nuances and details, what the Law of Attraction types refer to as the first half of the clarity through contrast process.
I call it unproductive.
Being a talker (and a bit of a Drama Queen), when I start describing a situation I want to change, I blow it completely out of proportion. And then I wallow in it, reveling in the concentrated negativity.
I would much rather paint the current and future realities in wide brush strokes and keep my energy for the actual change – the fine brush strokes needed to turn a rough sketch into a masterpiece.
I have, however, committed to this process, so will do every step as written.
Someday Lessons:
- Don’t dismiss advice out of hand – there’s a slight chance you might be wrong.
- When you commit to something, commit to it wholly.
My articulated reality follows after the jump…
Making Change Stick
I’m really proud of myself. Starting last week, I’ve suppressed my usual procrastination tendencies and hardcore editing my novel. As of today I’m 30% through the first pass. I say first pass because I’ll need to polish out the editing widows, typos, grammar, and a million other little details to make the whole thing shine. For those who know me, there’s a word in that last sentence that I never like to think about. Yup, it’s "details" – I hate them, but I’ve realized that if I want to get my novel published (and future novels too), then I need to pay attention to the details in my writing. This means not just working harder than I usually do; it means making a profound change in how I view the world.
To help me with that change, I went surfing on the web (because you can find help for just about anything out there) and came across a great article on profound and lasting changes on the ThinkSimpleNow blog. I’m going to try the advice Tina Su gives in the blog, which means you as readers get to see the process I go through to get there.
Su outlines four actions and five tips, so starting tomorrow and going through to the end of the month I’m going to do and write about each of them one by one. The actions and tips aren’t radically different from what I’ve posted many times here, but I’m like most people and rarely take my own advice.
Someday Lessons:
- Follow someone else’s path for a while – it’ll open up new ways of considering old problems.
- The same thoughts expressed by different people in different ways produce different results – don’t get trapped into thinking just one way.
Expanding My Circle
Tonight I get to socialize with my fellow language teachers. The owner of the academy I teach at has invited everyone who works there out to dinner at a fancy restaurant. Other than the administrative staff, I’ve never chatted with any of my coworkers for more than a minute. I arrive only a few minutes before class and leave immediately afterwards, so I don’t interact with anyone. Fortunately I have an outgoing personality, or it could end up a disaster. It still could if the other teachers all stick together in small groups.
I’ve been to parties like that, where everyone is content to stay in safe little circles and newcomers have to be pretty much obnoxious to break into them. And I’m so not obnoxious (siblings – say nothing!). Given the brief encounters I’ve had with the professors, however, I’m certain that won’t be the case tonight.
Of course tonight’s dinner happens two weeks before I’m done teaching for the summer, so this won’t help integrate me into the academy’s culture much. But at least I’ll have made some connections for when school starts up again in September.
Someday Lessons:
- Even if an action seems pointless, look for a way to create lateral or unexpected benefits.
- Never say no to a free dinner, especially at a good restaurant.
Questioning My Methods
Yesterday I read on the Problogger site that Darren Rowse batch-processes everything, including pre-writing blog posts up to a week in advance and releases them day by day. I’ve done that when I’ve traveled but I’ve never considered it for regular daily posts. It would feel like I was lying to you or something. It might, however, work well for my current schedule, where sometimes I find myself too busy with other writing projects to put much effort into my daily blog posts.
I’m going to leave it up to you (having figured out how to insert polls into my posts).
Someday Lessons:
- Periodically question why and how you do things.
- "Because I’ve always done it this way" is never a valid answer to anything.
What Do You Dream Of?
For the past 18 months I’ve pursued happiness. I’ve made conscious choices, welcomed the consequences (including bad ones), and struggled against procrastination. I’ve talked about it here, and you have followed along, "listening" to it all.
Today I want to turn the microphone around to face the audience. I want to hear from you. Specifically, I want you to finish the following sentence. You can use just a few words, or tell me a whole story. It’s up to you.
If I could do anything at all, I would _______________ but I don’t because ________________.*
Someday Lessons:
- Life isn’t a monologue, nor even a dialogue – it’s a multi-person conversation.
- When you speak your dream aloud, sometimes it’s hard to justify why you aren’t pursuing it.
* Two years ago when I articulated my dream to a friend, I couldn’t fill in the second part, so kinda had to pursue the dream - immediately!
Recommitting to All of You
I wasn’t going to post today, and not just because it’s Lazy Tuesday. This week I’m marathon editing my novel, as well as working on another project. I had thought that blogging would divert my creativity from my other projects but then I read a post on the Problogger site about The Dip – the posting-fatigue every blogger experiences.
I set up my weekday themes specifically to avoid the The Dip. If I take a break for a few days to write other projects then I’m setting up a bad habit of giving up the blog whenever I want to increase my productivity in other areas.
So, no unplanned breaks (except for the occasional Friday) and no Dip. I have some thoughts on how to spice things up and I’ll be rolling out these new ideas over the summer.
Stay tuned!
Someday Lessons:
- Habits of inactivity are easier to create than habits of action.
- Periodically reexamine your reasons for and approach to doing something to confirm your continued passion.
There is no Secret, Part II
This past weekend I switched from reading blogs at the site through their bookmarks to reading them through a feed. Suddenly I’m reading more blogs and making more comments in a shorter time. I’d been resisting using a feed, but the increased productivity has won me over.
One of the blogs I added this weekend due to the decrease in time needed to read through the blogs was ZenHabits. Yesterday he talked about the Law of Attraction and stated his opinion about it to 55,000 people (or more). I’ve mentioned before that I don’t really believe in the Law of Attraction. Today, I’ll give you more detail than I did in January.
As much as I can’t argue with the results people like Michael Losier produce with their followers, I have never bought into it. I believe that the Law of Attraction doesn’t work because there are energy waves out there and we tune into them. For me, the Law of Attraction simply encourages people to visualize not just a half-full glass, but one that never empties no matter how much you drink. More importantly, however, the Law of Attraction encourages people to make conscious choices based on clear desires and a full awareness of the consequences.
Every generation of philosophy has had a version of the power of positive thinking, right back to Plato and his cave of shadows. It’s nothing new. There is no Secret and there’s no Law of Attraction – there’s only choice and awareness.
Someday Lessons:
- Success comes from deliberate choice and hard work.
- Personal religion, philosophy, and the personal growth movement are all tools used to develop self-awareness and conscious choices.
Achieving an Abandoned Goal
In 2003 when I started my business, I also decided to change my body. I made it my goal to reach 17% body fat, the North American healthy percentage for adult males (in Europe it’s lower). Using the US Government’s waist-neck ratio charts, I sat at 24%. During my anti-yeast diet year, I lost 30 pounds but only 2% body fat. A year later, when my ex-boyfriend started doing WeightWatchers, I did it with him, only managing to lose 5 pounds and nothing off my waist or neck. Plus I was hungry all the time, so I abandoned the goal.
When I moved to France in 2006, I walked lots and lost more weight, but again not off my waist or neck. Then last spring I spent three months working outdoors and toned my body. I lost weight again, but who knows from where because I put it back on (and more!) during my two month stay in Canada last fall.
In February of this year I went back on the anti-yeast diet and then in April went on an anti-reflux diet (which I’ve bitched to you about many times). With this latest cleanse, I’ve slimmed out completely, finally reaching my 17% goal (as well as rediscovering my jawline).
My change in eating patterns had nothing to do with weight and I’d almost forgotten about this goal, but then I was cleaning up my computer and came across the body fat chart I’d saved as reference. Curiosity got the better of me so I took my measurements and discovered that I’d finally completed my goal.
Someday Lessons:
- Dreams may come true even after you’ve given up actively pursuing them.
- Although you may decide to put aside a goal, keep it in mind as the opportunity to achieve it might come up later.
A Self-Induced Food Hangover
Over the past four days, I’ve eaten two 170g bags of potato chips – I mean two 170g bags of deep fried oil. By this evening my throat had filled with mucus and I felt like throwing up.
My stomach has been bothering me less, but it certainly hasn’t recovered from whatever damage I’d done to it. The potato chip binge was therefore pure idiocy. As I finished off the second bag today, I knew I’d done myself more damage, but I didn’t care. I just kept eating chip after greasy chip.
I’ve had this problem before, drinking past the point where I know I would be sick, or smoking cigarettes well after the point where I knew I’d wake up with a killer sinus headache and a sore throat. I’ve also done with men, obsessing about one guy or pursuing many until I give myself an emotional hangover. Yup, you’ve guessed it – I have a binge personality. I don’t drink until I’m sick anymore or smoke until I’ve hurt myself (mainly because I don’t do either of them now). I’ve dealt with my men-binges by finding Raul (such a wonderful man!), but the food thing? I’m not quite there yet.
Someday Lessons:
- When you make bad choices, don’t complain about the consequences.
- Growth doesn’t happen all at once – expect backsliding and accept it.
Staying Quiet, Staying Productive
At the beginning of April, I learned not to talk about my goals, that for me, talking about goals reduces the likelihood of achieving them. Since then, I have been working on a new project and I’ve talked about it to a grand total of three people. I’ve also mentioned it very generally to my online writing group where we support each other’s weekly and daily writing progress.
And know what? Not talking has worked. The project is reaching the point where I can talk about it because it’ll be written and ready to send out to the world. I won’t say anything more yet because it’s not quite done and I don’t want to stop working on it because I’ve over-hyped it.
All I will say is this: it’s the next level of Someday Syndrome, helping you get rid the somedays in your own life.
Someday Lessons:
- Learning something new means nothing unless you look back and measure its success.
- It’s very easy to get overexcited and to start celebrating successes before you finish them. Guard against that.
A Productively Unproductive Day
I have nothing else to talk about because as usual for a Tuesday, I spent the day exhausted for no reason. I had a productive day yesterday and today I’m wiped. Good thing I had no outstanding work today. Instead, I spent the day doing stuff around the house, like folding laundry, preparing macaroni and cheese for dinner (made with a really sharp old crumbly goat cheese), and general tidying up.
Raul, a friend, and I then went to see the new Indiana Jones movie (which is one of those-so-bad-it’s-good movies), and now we’re relaxing before watching Operacion Triunfo (the Spanish Pop Idol).
Of course I wasn’t totally unproductive. I taught my morning English class, contributed to an online writing workshop, and worked on some other writing.
Someday Lessons:
- Even when you’ve had an unproductive day, you’ve likely achieved more than you think.
- If you are achieving your goals, not every day needs to be super-productive.
A Super Happy Weekend
On Saturday I woke up to an email from an online magazine. They wanted to publish a short story I’d submitted a couple of months ago. I then scared the heck out of Raul when I woke him up (at 7am) to give him the news.
A little calmer, I replied to the email and by the end of the day we’d agreed on edits and I had the contract Sunday. The story went up in the June issue of Reflection’s Edge, making me a published author again. The last time I was published (a short story in 2001), I had hit a wall with my writing and took a three year break. This time, I’m ready to take advantage of the publication with more writing and more submissions, building on this success.
I first wrote the story last winter while I was in France, and have looked at it on and off, using the skills I’ve learned over the past year to make it a great story. It’s nice to know that they hard work has paid off! It makes me want to write more.
Enjoy the story: The Soul of Sorcery.
Someday Lessons:
- Hard work does pay off.
- Use one success to spur you on to others.