I don’t know if it’s because I’m the youngest of several children but I have an overdeveloped sense of fairness – or rather, of unfairness.
When sharing things with people I scrupulously divide whatever it is into equal parts. In group conversations, I ensure that everyone has the same opportunity to contribute. I’m all about the goose and gander, expecting people to treat others as they want to be treated. And when someone points out when I haven’t been fair? I panic! I come up with reasons, excuses, explanations (sometimes I manage to shut up before they spew out of my mouth) then I apologize and FIX it (and if I can’t fix it then I feel like throwing up for hours afterwards).
As you can imagine, I spend a lot of my time with millions of butterflies flying around my stomach. And I complain – usually only in my head, but still a good part of my day runs along the theme of “but that’s not fair!” Hunter Nuttall recently wrote a post about twenty-one days without complaints. In the comments mainly people asked about the difference between complaining and standing up for yourself. I’ve since thought a great deal about it and have come up with this distinction:
In the latter case, you have two options: accept (or even embrace) the situation as it is, or walk away.
I rarely do #2, have a hard time with #3 (too “polite”) and am so totally guilty of #1. My bruised the-world’s-not-fair ego (also known as Self-Pity Alex) comes out when I’m tired, haven’t eaten enough or am preoccupied about something else.
Of course, I make this sound so easy, but no. I have big time troubles getting rid of #1 from my life. In the past, I’ve written many posts on destroying the ego (here, here and here, just to name a few) and am still challenged by it. Along with my lack of patience, this sense of righteousness holds me back from full happiness.
So I’m turning to you – how do you destroy the it’s-not-fair voice that wants to start screaming at everyone around you when things don’t go your way?
Someday Lessons:
P.S. Thanks to Karen J Lloyd of the Storyboard Blog for the super-freakin’ awesome illustration.
P.P.S Check out my guest post on List Posts over at Write From Home.
36 Responses to “Life’s Not Fair - Get Over It”
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What’s the saying again? Change what you can and accept what you can’t change.
Again, complaining has a very negative connotation for me. Before complaining, I ask myself if it’s really worth it because I know that in the end, I will put myself in a negative frame of mind that only resolution of the issue that I’ve been complaining about can make go away.
Alex,
You got a guest illustration from Karen, too? That’s not fair!
*hehehe*
Seriously, though. I had the oddest experience reading this. I don’t ever think about fair. Stuff happens, that’s how I look at it. Life is what it is, I have to deal with my part. Sort of like “get over it” without the accusatory baggage. (Doesn’t mean I don’t think some stuff in my life stinks, just that I never worry about its fairness, or about what somebody else has or doesn’t have.)
I am really wondering whether it is a birth order thing as you said—I’m the oldest.
I hope some more folks will mention whether they think birth order affects how they see it?
Karen,
I knew it was yours before I got down to the credit. Beautiful illustration of the moral of the story.
Regards,
Kelly
Kelly’s last blog post..Inspiration Points: Bill Gates on Bad Experience
That is a totally awesome Karen JL Original!
I’m with Kelly, too - fair or not, it sort of happened anyway. Our response is what’s important.
Sometimes, really cool things happen to us, and we should build on them.
Sometimes, really crappy things happen to us - assuming we survive, we should learn from them. Maybe work around them if we have to do so.
I’ve not always been this way. Perhaps if I had thought like that years ago, I wouldn’t have spend so much time thinking about Somedays… I’d have just done it already
Forward!
-Brett
Brett Legree’s last blog post..things i learned from sharkboy and lavagirl.
Hey Alex, thanks for the link.
When Tim Ferriss did his 21 days without complaints, the definition he used for complaining was “describing an event or person negatively without indicating next steps to fix the problem.”
That way, all his complaints were constructive, because they made him decide what to do about the problem. If you look around, you’ll probably see a lot of unconstructive complaining, which sure doesn’t do any good.
Hunter Nuttall’s last blog post..Personal Development For Smart People: Free Sample Chapter
Hellooooo…the oldest of Alex’s siblings, and I was a Be Fair extremist as well. Not your birth order, bro. Of course, we could blame it all on Sibling Rob, him being the middle child and all. *grin*
I make it my policy now to try not to ‘complain’ without a solution already thought of and a willingness to participate in the solution. Not to say I don’t vent, which I do to the poor Lion, but that is to release pent up energy so I can come up with the solution. Of course, sometimes it’s simply not worth the effort of dreaming up a solution and actioning it. For those cases, I just let it go.
Urban Panther’s last blog post..Food, friends, and life lessons
“I rarely do #2″
Alex, you might want to have this checked out by a doctor, either that or eat a lot of prunes.
All kidding asside, I try not to complain for the sake of complaining. My saying is “I can’t complain…well I could, but what good would that do anyway?”
I am usually a push over because of my personality, but when I really believe there is something worth standing up for I am like a raging bull headed straight to the nearest china shop.
But I digress, usually I shut that voice up by turning inward, yelling at that voice and telling it to get a life then it will understand what is fair and not fair. After that it usually shuts up for about a week or so.
Sal—ROFLOL.
Panther,
So if not the birth order, is it the household? Were you parents big fairness proponents?
Still hmm-ing about this…
Until later,
Kelly
Kelly’s last blog post..Inspiration Points: Bill Gates on Bad Experience
@Kelly - basically, what I got out of our upbringing, and it may not be what my parents intended at all as a lesson, is that nobody is really right or wrong, it’s just a matter of perspective. And that you need to look at all sides of the story and walk in someone else’s shoes. As an adult I came to discover, that while it is a good idea to look at all sides of the story, it is also very important to have YOUR OWN side of the story. I was missing that part.
Urban Panther’s last blog post..Food, friends, and life lessons
@ Kelly & Brett - thanks for the kind words. If you want one Kelly, just ask! Gotta be fair and all.
(and you’re cool)
I admit I’m guilty of a good WTF rant every now and then. But I really question about number 1. I guess standing up for myself is definitely ego driven, but it *has* produced results for me at times. (Squeaky wheel getting the grease).
Once a studio tried to pay me less than they were paying folks with less experience (and skill…*ahem*). I gave them a ‘polite’ WTF rant and got the money (with an apology).
Hmm…maybe I don’t quite get number 1? Or was I doing a ranty number 3?
I bet being the youngest has a lot to do with it. Birth order is more important than we realize. We see it in children’s behavior at our little school all the time.
Writer Dad’s last blog post..Deja Vu
I totally KNEW that was Karen’s drawing!! Right on!!
Okay, now to actually read the post!
steph’s last blog post..Thoughts on a Friday Afternoon
Interesting post!
It’s hard to say it’s not fair, really, because everything is a result of choices we’ve made. It’s not necessarily fair, perhaps, that all my friends have nicer homes and more freedom than I do and a seemingly much easier time of life, at least financially, but of all of them I’m the one who chose to go to a private university for 5 years and then marry a guy who went to the same place for just as long and then did even more schooling, hence the limiting shitload of debt.
Mostly the feeling of “not fair” was something I very often experienced growing up with very strict parents. Writer Dad wrote about being the youngest, and my mother would agree, but as the oldest of four girls, I thought myself treated quite unfairly compared to my sisters.
What I have thought isn’t fair is when someone uses their power to their advantage over me or doesn’t explain why something is, when all I need to know is why so I can understand and hopefully accept whatever it is.
As you say, Alex, a great deal of it has to do with ego. There have been times I’ve raged inside but in the end it always comes down to me needing to be right or having made a choice that brought about that treatment. If I am mistreated by someone without it being my fault, I usually deal with it by telling someone who can offer me perspective and make me feel better!
steph’s last blog post..Thoughts on a Friday Afternoon
I think that I might suffer from an over-developed sense of unfairness as well. I recently felt guilty about getting a generous but (I considered) undeserved pay rise after hearing on the office grapevine that not everyone was getting an increase. People kept telling me to just enjoy it, but I felt bad! (I assuaged my guilt by contributing some of the extra money to charity.)
The world often isn’t fair and I think it is good for your mental health to accept that to some degree…but I also think that it is worth speaking up about things, even if your complaint/protest won’t change anything. If everyone kept quiet about unfairness, nothing would ever change for the better!
Alex, I’m curious what number one means. Why is standing up for yourself ego-driven?
~Monica
Alex, did you write this when you were feeling kinda negative? I just don’t understand how you see standing up for ourselves as “ego driven” and an act that “produces nothing”. Doesn’t calling people on unfair and acceptable behaviour set our personal boundaries and advise people on how we accept to be treated. If we don’t set these boundaries and stand up for ourselves then basically we’re condoning bad behaviour and devaluing ourselves.
I do agree though that complaining about something without taking action to correct it is a waste of breath and just breeds negativity.
As for number 4, how do we know when something can’t be changed? I’m sure women from 150 years ago never thought they’d be free to vote or run for President. Should they just have given up and accepted the status quo with their mouths shut?
I think we have to fight for what is right and fair and just. Should we EXPECT life to be fair? No. That does set ourselves up for disappointment. But speaking up about what is unacceptable or needs changing does not have to involve complaining (or whinging as we like to call it in Australia). If you focus on the change you want to create, then you’re actually being positive, and to not speak up would be to let the narcissists and bullies win.
Thanks for the thought provoking post.
Kelly
I think maybe what Alex meant was that sometimes standing up for ourselves is about saving our pride, or having the last word. In that case, rather than advocating justice, it’s more about placating our ego, how we appear to ourselves and others, about self-satisfaction or even smugness.
That “letting them win” indicates exactly that. It’s not about winning or losing or being competitive but rather being fair. If we were driven to success, for example, by vindication or a need to beat out others, or win, rather than a desire to offer something for the good of ourselves and others, we might need to take another look at our reasons for doing what we do.
Did that make sense? I also don’t mean to put words in Alex’s mouth. I could be wrong in what he meant.
steph’s last blog post..Thoughts on a Friday Afternoon
If you believe something is unfair then you must think you are entitled to it. Understand where you sense of entitlement comes from and you will understand why you think things are unfair.
Hi Alex - I used to let people walk all over me. And now I’m quite happy to complain if I’ve been treated unfairly or received bad service.
I guess your point of view will depend what situation you’re thinking about, when you refer to complaining though.
1) For me - standing up for myself would be being assertive and would stop people thinking they could walk all over me.
2) Complaining to make someone else feel bad - I guess that would depend what they’d done to deserve the complaint. But it would be pointless to continue complaining when that person was trying their best to put things right.
3) If I was complaining about something like bad service - it would be because I wanted something put right. I also like folk to complain to me for the same reasons.
4) I guess in this situation - it would depend on what you were complaining about and how you knew what the outcome would be.
I never really got all the not complaining thing when Hunter posted about it. I wonder if we’re thinking different types of complaints here?
Do you mean more like complaining to friends about something that isn’t going your way, instead of doing something to try to change it?
Alex,
I understand your wrestling with the ego, the dilemna. I have to be careful of not being victimized because I can easily slip into that role. Well, maybe not anymore. But I did do all of that coming from a place of being fair and putting others before me, and it only opened the gate for unscrupulous beings to take advantage.
Your right. Like isn’t always fair, people don’t always play fair (even if we desperately want them too). I think, as you also mention, that healthy self esteem and confidence grows out of sticking up for yourself. Or maybe you didn’t say that. Maybe I said that! But really, there is nothing wrong for sticking up for yourself. I suppose it is a difference of always be “right” becauase that is about ego, versus not putting up with bad treatment.
Ellen Wilson’s last blog post..Clean the Toilet and Become a Writer
[...] Life’s Not Fair - Get Over It: The title says it all,, but give the article a look anyway. Am I Already Washed Up? He’s not, but he needs to read the last article. [...]
This is what I love about all of you - I go away for the weekend and you have a great conversation all on your own. Now it’s time to catch up…
@Urbane Lion
That is a great one to remember. Here’s another one that I like that’s a bit more fun:
@Kelly & @Brett
That’s awesome that you two don’t think in terms of fair/not-fair. I can imagine that it makes life a whole lot less stressful.
@Hunter
I like Tim’s description of a complaint - I think it also for me highlights why I think so much of standing up for yourself is ego-driven (which I’ll explain later in these responses).
@UP
So where’s the line with venting? When does it become complaining?
@Sal
LOL - it’s so obvious you’re a young parent. It’s all about #1s and #2s, isn’t it?
That’s a good trick - turning the ego against itself to keep it quiet. I might have to try that sometime.
@Kelly & @UP
I think I got the message of fairness from my parents and from books - if you’re a good (fair) person and do good (fair) things, then people will treat you fairly. So when I perceive that the world is unfair to me then I must be an unfair (i.e., bad) person. It’s all part of my need for external validation personality. I’m working on it…
Breaking from individual responses to add a clarification on the standing-up-for-yourself-is-ego-driven bit…
Very often we stand up for ourselves when we feel that our honour, our pride or our ego has been wounded. We do it to teach someone a lesson, or to make sure they understand that we were hurt, or to prove that we were right (or at least not wrong). There is no solution involved. There is only opinion that is meant to make our egos feel better, a kind of nyanh-nyanh-nyanh moment.
In my experience standing up for myself in this manner has only ever made things worse.
If I approach the same situation from a how-can-I-avoid-this-situation-in-the-future mindset, then I come forward with solutions. Sometimes I have to be firm (or even yell if I’m dealing with the phone company), but my end goal isn’t to teach someone a lesson or to prove myself right. My goal is to have something happen that will correct a situation. In this case, I’m not standing up for myself - I’m looking for a solution and it becomes a “ranty #3″ as Karen JL puts it.
Back to the individual responses…
@Karen JL
Be careful what you offer - you might suddenly get overwhelmed with image requests! And btw, any time you want to guest-image again, just let me know!
@Writer Dad
I’m not actually sure it has anything to do with birth order. After writing this post, I talked with Raul. He’s the youngest but couldn’t give a crap about what’s fair or not.
@Steph
Choices? What are you doing throwing my own words back at me? Dang!
@Glee Girl
Good way to assuage your guilt, but perhaps for you there’s something else going on - your sense of unfair leans more towards you not deserving the raise than being offended at someone else’s words or actions. And that’s a whole other topic (which I will definitely cover at some point).
@Monica
Does my explanation above help explain the ego-thing? Words are so tricky because although we share the same words we each have our own language and the mistranslations pile up like crazy!
@Kelly of the SHE POWER
Your example is what Karen JL called a ranty-#3 - because you do expect a result and a change. See my explanation in the comment above for more. As for being in a negative mood when I wrote this, yeah kind of - a result of me pushing things for the sake of ‘being right (or at least not wrong)’ when there was no need to except to make myself feel better and the other person worse.
@Steph
That’s it exactly! We do think alike, don’t we?
@Brother Robert
Wow - you just nailed it. I feel that the world is unfair because I expect everyone to treat me the way I think I treat them. And because everyone is different with their own experiences and perceptions I get pissed off that I’m not treated that way. It’s a little more complex than that, but you’ve given me a lot to think about.
@Cath
I think we’re saying the same things, different word uses (see my note to Monica).
And yes, bitching to friends about a situation instead of doing something about it, which might not be worth the effort or you know won’t change, so complaining would be useless, but you’re not willing to walk away from the object of the complaint (like a bad boss at work, for example).
@Ellen
That’s a good distinction and why I see standing up for yourself as unproductive and ensuring respectful treatment from others as not ego-driven at all.
Alex,
Yes, I find leaving out the fair/not-fair thing does help a lot. Of course, not everyone in my family subscribes to that philosophy, so stress often comes at me from other angles
Generally, though, I am the architect of my own stress - usually a good thing.
Brett Legree’s last blog post..eyes.
Of course life isn’t fair but we are responsible for our response to whatever occurs and that includes our feelings and bruised egos. I guess the bottom line is to practice not being threatened by any word or deed. I can pretty much handle that in business,
family and romantic relationships are a whole other challenge.
@Brett
So, if you used to do it but don’t now, how did you give up the habit?
@Tom
It’s amazing how quickly family (of all sorts) can say one word and off we go into some negative spiral, eh?
I see what you mean Alex - I think that’s the kind of thing Hunter was talking about too. I was thinking more about complaints when you’ve had a bad meal, or you bought something that fell to bits when you’d only used it once. It’s a different kind of complaining.
@Alex,
Strangely enough, it came in two stages - both involved religious people, and though my upbringing is Roman Catholic, I do not attend any hall of worship and have not for a long, long time.
The first experience was just after my parents were nearly killed in a car accident, back in 1985 when I was not quite 16. My mother (who is fairly religious) was being visited by a priest of some sort.
The priest told her that this accident was “God’s way of telling her she should slow down in life”.
(How silly of my parents to enjoy life too much! God must have needed to tell them that by making someone run over them while they were out for a motorcycle ride…)
So, I kind of thought, “fuck that”.
The second experience was in 2001. Our daughter Hailey was born very young, too young to survive. She was with us for about an hour, and I was holding her when she passed on. You know, people say that you can tell when a person dies, and you know what, you can. I just knew it.
We had a minister with us, an Anglican minister - the lady who had married us 3 years earlier. She was there for the whole thing, and she had baptized our daughter.
She said, “sometimes things like this happen, and it fucking sucks - people will tell you that God wanted it this way - and I don’t believe that at all - sometimes, things like this just happen - I can understand you want to blame someone - if you want to blame someone, blame God - he has big shoulders and he can take it.”
It had to be the coolest thing I’ve ever heard from a minister or a priest. Someone who “gets it”.
And so you see, I decided because of those two events that fair and not fair are really just concepts. I was always a good person, and yet, these things happened to me, just like people are born in poor countries and starve to death - which really fucking sucks.
Whether that is fair or not doesn’t matter - what matters is what we do with it. So I give money from time to time to help out people who don’t have what I have.
I’ll be honest, with my family and obligations and so on, I cut it close sometimes. I know that it will get better, because I’m working to make it better.
But in any case, in the mean time, when I can, I try to help out other folks. To make things right, to compensate for the random things that just happen.
Brett Legree’s last blog post..eyes.
I keep my “it’s not fair” drive in check pretty easily since I deal with kids a lot. Since I hear kids saying this phrase all day, I’m conditioned to hate it and associate it with seven year olds.
It’s not a perfect system, but it’s working okay. I also try to remember other times when the pendulum swung my way, and life was more than fair and be happy the balance generally seems to be in my favor. Thanks for making me consciously think about this one!
Sara at On Simplicity’s last blog post..Keep the Clutter from Returning: Five (Mostly) Easy Ways
Hi Alex,
I, too, am the youngest in our family. And, like you, I am big on things being fair and treating others fairly. You make me wonder, is that a “youngest child” trait?
I don’t necessarily want to scream when things don’t go MY way, but I do get upset when I see the “underdog” being mistreated. I’ve learned to speak up and by using humor can often get others to “back off”.
Barbara Swafford’s last blog post..NBOTW - Determined To Be The Best
Ah, Brett,
Thanks for that, dear man. *sniffle* I’ve heard you tell parts of that story before, but never so starkly. You got me. I’ve had so much ick at times in my life, I seem to wander in and out of hell, and what’s saved me has always been a sense that what matters at every moment is what we do with it. In a way I’m grateful for the dark parts of my life. They gave me some real material to work with in shaping me, and I can see that the shape of Brett comes in part from your dark moments, too.
“He has big shoulders and he can take it.” Most brilliant thing ever said by a member of the clergy. Karma, God, or screaming at a cloud. Find someplace to send the emotions. I love that.
Until later,
Kelly
@Brett
Yes, thank you for sharing your story with us. It’s amazing how powerfully emotional situations change us. They put the rest of life into perspective.
@Sara
Working with kids would build up an immunity to “that’s not fair” I can imagine. I only have one class of five 5-year-olds and that’s enough for me.
@Barbara
I’m so sensitive to the underdog - the funny thing is because I’m so flexible with my points of view, depending on how I look at a situation the underdog can change from moment to moment.
@Kelly
Yes, that line jumped out at me too. Sometimes we do just need to vent and karma, God or a cloud can make a good outlet where you don’t hurt anyone else.
Kelly, Alex,
I find that talking with other people about this stuff really helps one to learn about oneself. And you are right, the moments like this really do define who we are - or perhaps, how we respond to moments like these.
It’s sort of a Viktor Frankl thing (not that I’ve experienced anything like that, though - but the response, how we respond - how we choose).
Brett Legree’s last blog post..eyes.
Definitely a kick-ass way to look at things :-0)
What happens is when we are faced with a “situation” we forget to remember these.
Shamelle
Shamelle - TheEnhanceLife’s last blog post..Sleep Deprived ? 7 Ways To Revive Your Tired Body And Stay Energized After A Sleep Deprived Night
@Shamelle
Welcome to the blog! You are so right - I always forget these things when I’m in the middle of an “it’s not fair” moment.
[...] one was for Alex at Someday Syndrome. He’s also a butt-kicker about ‘following your dreams already’ and stop saying [...]